Explain That GIF!

Examinate:

Let us now Explain That GIF!

  1. After being held hostage by the Cosplay Gang, Milo finally senses an opportunity to escape.
  2. “But how will we smuggle that much heroin into San Francisco?” Rogelio asked. “Easy,” Henry told him. “We hide in plain sight. We’ll be so conspicuous, nobody would ever suspect us.”
  3. Desperate to boost ratings, NBC adds a few last-minute events to the Rio Olympics.
  4. Goddammit, Jeffrey Robert Pludermacher thought as he plunged into the chilly waters. I thought dressing in a skeleton suit would be such a badass way to be a serial killer.
  5. As John Paschal fell backwards into Bradley Woodrum’s waiting arms, Christian LaFontaine realized all too late that the Banknotes Industries company picnic conflicted with his dentist appointment.

Readers! Contribute!

Former Footballer Pursuing Baseball Dream

white drawing roomMedia outlets throughout the country are already abuzz with the news that faded phenom Kevin Kebap, who despite a sterling youth career failed to find his footing in FIFA events or elsewhere at the top tier of play, is seeking tryouts with minor league baseball teams affiliated with MLB organizations.

With his looks and physique, mixed heritage, pronounced Bahá’í faith, and history of international volunteering, the multilingual charmer always scored strongly with the young and urban demographic, whose heartfelt support tended to overlook holes in Kebap’s game, such as in passing, shooting, running, and knowing which goal was which.

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Carson Cistulli, Closer: Montgomery Biscuits Clip Show

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That’s odd. I don’t recall putting on Bull Durham. And Kevin Costner sure looks peculiar.

OH, WAIT. THAT’S JUST OUR DIGITAL FRIEND CARSON CISTULLI, CLOSER.

Our beloved beast has been promoted to Triple A Durham. You read that correctly. The Biscuit days are behind us as the hottest digital sensation in one of the most controversial digital seasons in recent digital memory is now one digital step away from his digital Major League Baseball debut.

GOOD RIDDANCE, ADAM KOLAREK. GOOD RIDDANCE, 8TH INNING.

I guess they knew what they were doing after all. As Adam Kolarek crashes and burns as the Biscuits’ closer, Triple C gets the call-up. The people decreed that there shall be no groveling for playing time. We didn’t need to ask for a workload increase. Good things come to those who wait. And groveling was beneath Triple C as he strolled in hot to Durham, North Carolina.

It is worth pointing out that, presumably as a holdover from the Wacky Joe Maddon era, the second baseman stands on the mound as Triple C winds up in Durham as well. That digital treat made the digital leap from digital Double A as well. (It will also get hairy now that Triple C is in Triple A. Please be wary of the letters following “Triple” because I’ve already confused myself a few times.)

Many baseball fans are actually unaware of Bull Durham because of its extremely loose connection to the sport and the abundance of films about baseball. Without spoiling anything, a young flamethrower navigates minor league life with the Durham Bulls with the guidance of a voluptuous temptress. Now, this sounds far too familiar. Is Triple C’s call-up life imitating art? Or perhaps digital art imitating digital life? Who will be his temptress?

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MLB Expands List of Banned Substances

extraoomphAs part of its continuing effort to eliminate from the game the crowd-displeasing macula of players using performance-altering materials, MLB has added several more items to the catalogue, the possession or evidence of use of which (the substances, not the catalogue, though they frankly aren’t too keen on that getting around, either) by players shall result in disciplinary action, up to and including serious paddling.  They are: Continue reading

Power Rankings: The Best Nickname-Based Walk-Up Songs of All-Time

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Walk-up songs give you a momentary yet monumental view into a player’s soul and mind, perhaps triggering a connection that you otherwise would not have made as a spectator. I recall learning that John Axford would have “New Noise” by Refused play every time he ran out from the bullpen. It was a moment that proved to me that baseball players were, in fact, humans that don’t all exclusively listen to Florida Georgia Line.

A lot of fun can be had perusing Baseball-Reference’s nickname tracker. Did you know that Bill Tomb was known as the Chinese Bandit in the 1960s? I’m not even remotely certain that I know what that means. If I was to hazard a guess, I would imagine that a remarkable level of racism went into that creation. Current Red Sox star Travis Shaw is known as the Mayor of Ding Dong City. Some are genuinely confusing. Why would Eugene Moore be called Deerfoot AND Lucille? Why would Ronald May be nicknamed Tri-Pod?

Using meticulous research and advanced sabermetrics, we have identified the top ten nickname-based walk-up songs of all-time.

HONORABLE MENTION
Bob Oakley – Valuable Blonde

Oakley was blessed with one of the most unique nicknames in the history of Major League Baseball, but with that blessing comes the most unfortunate curse. While no tune goes by that exact title, plenty of songs discuss the value of blondes, both male and female, at explicit length. Oakley gets and loses points for both an abundance of songs about valuable blondes and no single song about valuable blondes.

HONORABLE MENTION
John Reigar – Milkshake

Barring a government conspiracy greater than any of us could imagine, I was not present on the night that John Reigar was gifted the nickname of Milkshake. I, therefore, cannot speculate on its seemingly nonexistent origins. What I can tell you is that Milkshake strikes about as much fear in me as a loaf of bread. And to be clear, I love bread. The divisive split between adoration and lamentation of Kelis’ “Milkshake” prevents Reigar from making the cut.

HONORABLE MENTION
Dozens of Players – Shorty

Seriously, there are like a million guys nicknamed Shorty. Apparently, it was a thing to be as uncreative as possible. 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” is an inclusive positive statement to all, which both hurts and helps its cause to crack the top ten. It misses the cut because I’ve heard it like a billion times (999,999,997 times of which not by choice) and man it gets old. Question, if a batter nicknamed Shorty faces a pitcher nicknamed Shorty and this song is played for Shorty’s walk to the plate, who benefits from the brief mental spark that it might actually be their birth month and day?

HONORABLE MENTION
Marty Marion – The Octopus

Marty Marion’s decision to use iconic children’s musicians the Wiggles’ Henry the Octopus is the very definition of making a statement. We just aren’t sure what it is. Is it purposefully ironic? Is it his own subtle way of reminding his children how much he loves them? Or, perhaps, the most obvious choice, he simply loses his mind getting amped up to this song. Who could blame him? This audio masterpiece certainly cracks your humble author’s top three favorite songs of this list.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s top ten list.

10. BRANDON BARNES
POSITION & TEAM: Colorado Rockies, OF
NICKNAME: Superman
WALK-UP SONG: “Superman” by Goldfinger Continue reading

Carson Cistulli, Setup Man: Criminally Insane

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Oh, hey, how’s it going? How was your All-Star Break? That good, huh? Glad to hear it.

Mine? Oh, you know, same old thing. Made it to the All-Star Game and didn’t get to pitch. Came into the 8th innning a lot during tied games. Which is funny because, y’know, I’m a closer. Inexplicably missed six games in a row. Navigated around McCarthy, who still stands on the mound during my warm-up pitches.

I thought we were doing pretty well. Locked down the closer’s role before the All-Star Game, lights-out during a simulated game, named player of the game for the first time all season on a 5-3 victory over the Tennessee Smokies. I mean, we did have a rough outing. 0.2 IP, one HR allowed when Triple C was brought in to a 9-9 tied game in the 10th inning. But that was just one game and shouldn’t have an impact on Triple C’s role given his excellent season, right?

WRONG!

Carson Cistulli, Closer is now Carson Cistulli, Setup Man. He’s been usurped by Adam Kolarek, a 27-year-old  with a 5.17 ERA that is inferior to Triple C in every feasible way. Who in the Tampa Bay Rays organization suggested that usurping their wunderkind lights-out All-Star superlative-laden hurler of the sphere with Adam Kolarek?!

The worst part is, it came via email.

In Triple C’s digital mailbox, a digital message from digital manager read as follows:

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Weekend Wrap-up (on Wednesday)

genericbaseballclipartThese things all happened.

  • Chicago SP Chris Sale to miss a start after injuring his trade value.  Relying on rumor, we will confirm that the hurler’s fashion objection led to suspension, such a sartorial outburst not seen since the ’60s and the burning of the jock straps.  If the reports are anything close to the truth, then the White Sox have a terrible PR department, because we should not be hearing the truth in matters like this.
  • Aroldis Chapman traded, laments moving from .500 team to Championship contender.  Sure, ‘Arry, New York is a swell city, but Chicago ain’t exactly a cowtown, and with your kinda dough, you can winter anywhere.
  • The Reds realized they had an outstanding PTBNL from the Louisville Colonels.  They selected Hiram “Gloves” MacTallianaffey (1874-1928) to help shore up the outfield.
  • The United States traded three minor cities to acquire Gothenburg from Sweden.  Don’t worry; you’ve never heard of them.

Those are all the things that happened.

Road Gigs and Rivalries

darkrockAs the Divisions of Major League Baseball seem to have stabilized, we may make note of their similarity to the other item in the world that consists of five contentious parts: the popular rock-and-roll band.  Naturally, each team in the division must have its place in the band, the particular alignments to follow.  Variations will be noted parenthetically (for example, the AL West is actually a popular C&W band).

Drums

Unhygienic and rambunctious, his voracity is demonic and his mania legend; trusted only with the least of tasks and still given oversight; provides nothing in the planning stages as he cannot write, nor even read, music; awakens each morning amidst bottles, bodies, and unidentifiable effluent; burns the candle at both ends to cover for the fact that he is not very good at his job; despite his youth, he will be the first to grave, as his OD is universally regarded as an inevitability.

Drummers: Rays, Marlins, Indians, Brewers, Athletics

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Other Events Marlins Man Has Attended

Marlins Man attends the World Series, the Kentucky Derby, the NBA Finals, and nearly every other major sporting event. But hardworking researchers in the Banknotes Industries Department of Investigative Interns have uncovered evidence of Marlins Man attending a series of other interesting events through history:

Marlins Man at the 1972 Democratic Convention

Marlins Man in the Illinois delegation at the 1972 Democratic Convention

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