Let us now Explain That GIF!
- After being held hostage by the Cosplay Gang, Milo finally senses an opportunity to escape.
- “But how will we smuggle that much heroin into San Francisco?” Rogelio asked. “Easy,” Henry told him. “We hide in plain sight. We’ll be so conspicuous, nobody would ever suspect us.”
- Desperate to boost ratings, NBC adds a few last-minute events to the Rio Olympics.
- Goddammit, Jeffrey Robert Pludermacher thought as he plunged into the chilly waters. I thought dressing in a skeleton suit would be such a badass way to be a serial killer.
- As John Paschal fell backwards into Bradley Woodrum’s waiting arms, Christian LaFontaine realized all too late that the Banknotes Industries company picnic conflicted with his dentist appointment.
Marlins Man attends the World Series, the Kentucky Derby, the NBA Finals, and nearly every other major sporting event. But hardworking researchers in the Banknotes Industries Department of Investigative Interns have uncovered evidence of Marlins Man attending a series of other interesting events through history:
Marlins Man in the Illinois delegation at the 1972 Democratic Convention
Banknotes Industries is preparing a major bid for the recently-posted naming rights of Nationals Park. The corporation expects to outbid its rivals and secure a ten-year naming agreement.
There is only one thing we do not have: a name. Banknotes Harper himself is forbidden from having a stadium named after him, owing to an obscure but outrageous District of Columbia city ordinance dictating that public monuments cannot be named after known cocaine barons. (Well, you dingus city councilmen, what about the Lincoln Memorial?!) And thus it is down to we, the shareholders in the Banknotarian enterprise, to devise an adequately devilish and devastating moniker for this stately pile-by-the-Potomac.
Some ideas to start the conversation:
- Warren G. Harding Field
- United Fruit Company Park
- Dick Allen Memorial Coliseum
- Your Momma’s So Fat, She Uses This Stadium as a Lawn Chair
- The Harperdome
- Drone Yards at CIA Park
- Thanks, Obama Stadium
Unfortunately, all of the following are real headlines from the homepage of MLB.com or the MLB app. I’ve collected them for the past six weeks to create a cataloguing system for shitty baseball headlines.
Dumb Puns on Player Names
7-day Sale: Lefty stifles Twins to go 7-0
Cano-doubter stuns Astros in extras
Fight for your Wright: Mets walk off
Deja Moo: Betts’ 2 HRs in 2 ABs x 2 historic
Max poetic: Scherzer K’s 11 as Nats sweep Phils
Special Subcategory: Dumb Puns on Noah “Thor” Syndergaard’s Name, Specifically
Noah’s arc: Starter the whole story vs. Dodgers
2 by who? Pair of homers makes it Noah’s Park
Thor of the same: Ace K’s 11 as Mets sweep
Ejection is Thor subject for Mets Continue reading
- …Betty White’s parents were nine years old.
- …the president of the United States was partially blinded in his left eye while fighting a boxing match.
- …the Oval Office (speaking of the White House) didn’t exist.
- …the New York Curb Market was being founded. It’s now the New York Stock Exchange.
- …fewer than a dozen Ford Model T’s had been built.
- …a local inquiry accused obscure faith healer Grigory Rasputin of “kissing and bathing with women.”
- …Russia, Austria-Hungary, Portugal, Italy, and Greece were still monarchies.
- …the first successful visit to the North Pole was ongoing.
- …only one person had ever died in a plane crash.
- …Jimmy Stewart was five months old.
- …Lyndon B. Johnson was six weeks old.
- …Geronimo, Thomas Crapper, Mark Twain, Florence Nightingale, and Leo Tolstoy were alive.
- …the Titanic was being designed.
- …we had only celebrated one Mother’s Day.
- …New Mexico and Arizona were not states.
- …Poland, Ireland, and India were not countries.
- …the Philippines were an American territory.
- …Adolf Hitler was rejected by Vienna’s Academy of Fine Arts.
- …the Cincinnati Bowling Association feasted on a dinner of “Philadelphia Chicken Flamande,” with a side dish of “maitre d’hotel” and “frozen pudding au kirsch” for dessert.
- …the New York Times had just printed its first mention of burgers, in an article titled “Messenger Stole in the Bank Panic: But His Sudden Wealth Did Phil Sapperstein Not a Bit of Good: No One Would Change $500: And a $500 Bill Was the Smallest He Had–Starved All Night, Then Surrendered the Money.” Yes, it seems, “At 8 o’clock he became hungry. He thought of his home at 227 East Ninety-ninth Street, where there was ready for him steaming, peppered hamburger steak and potatoes. His conscience smote him.”
Little did poor Phil Sapperstein know that his conscience was not the only thing smote in 1908. After he missed his hamburger steak, the Chicago Cubs would never win the World Series again.
Welcome to Part II of our survey of the hottest, hunkiest, and most totes adorbs players in baseball. Yesterday, we looked at position players; today we’re considering pitchers and selecting a team manager.
As a reminder, to compile this position-by-position guide to the MLB’s hottest players, I turned to male attractiveness experts (and real-life friends) Anna, Elisa, Michelle, Natalie, and Sarah, interviewing them over Google Chat. Their Gchat and email commentary is interspersed throughout the analysis below.
First of all, starting pitchers as a group seem to be the hottest position around. I mean, for one thing, even as a straight man, I can barely handle the picture above this blurb. Shit, man. Those guys are gorgeous.
I asked four of my five scouts to name a #1 fantasy pick (Sarah’s not a baseball fan and forgot everybody’s names within minutes). Elisa chose Bryce Harper and the other three named starting pitchers, a powerful trio of hunkiness aces.
The rotation is also dominated by current or former Texas Rangers. C.J. Wilson is Michelle’s #1 overall fantasy draft pick, edging out Yu Darvish because “CJ’s ass is better than Yu’s.” And then we have the newest Ranger, Natalie’s #1 pick. To quote Sarah, “GIVE ME SOME COLE HAMELS.” Continue reading
Fantasy baseball? More like baseball fantasies. With Opening Day coming up, it’s time for you to study up on the hottest, hunkiest, and most totes adorbs players in baseball.
To compile this position-by-position guide to the MLB’s hottest players, I turned to male attractiveness experts (and real-life friends) Anna, Elisa, Michelle, Natalie, and Sarah, interviewing them over Google Chat. Their Gchat and email commentary is interspersed throughout the analysis below.
This post lists position players and the Designated Hitter. Stay tuned for Part II: Pitchers!
There’s not a lot of depth at the catching position. After the undeniable good looks of J.P. Arencibia, scouts are divided on the rest of the crop. Of Yan Gomes, Sarah says he “looks a) objectively kind of attractive but also b) possibly kind of stupid.”
Buster Posey is traditionally ranked high, but only two of our scouts were impressed. The culprit: his chin. (For contrast, take Anthony Recker: “#datjawline”.) Also, as Michelle says of Posey, “his smile makes me want to put him in a light gray suit and have him lead Sunday school. He’s way too clean and innocent-looking for me to think he’s hot.” Continue reading
Nationals infielder Danny Espinosa, who arrived at spring training in 2015 with a mustache now enshrined eternally in myth by Banknotes Industries poet laureate Bradley Woodrum, has one-upped himself. Forever on a quest to outbid himself for the title of Best Facial Hair in Baseball, Espinosa has elevated his game once again for 2016.
Also courtesy of wife Sara Espinosa, we have two more tiny glimpses of Danny’s Mountain Man attachment: Continue reading
Poor Red Sox hitter Mookie Betts watched his golf cart roll into a lake.
But is this the worst baseball-player-caused vehicle mishap in history? Of course not! It’s not even in the top ten!
Top Ten Baseball-Player-Caused Vehicle Mishaps
10. The time Bobby Doerr shouted “Follow that cab!” and the cab in front of him drove off a cliff.
9. When Dick Allen asked to take the team bus for a spin and drove it onto the White House lawn, nearly smooshing Richard Nixon’s pet dog. Continue reading
The results are in! 11 of our 13 nominations received votes from the BNI readership. (Tragically un-voted-for: Jeff Weaver and Bartolo Colon.) But we can now crown a winner!
Third place: Fernando Rodney
Second place: John Lackey
And the inaugural winner of the Banknotes Industries Nickname Seeks Player Gritty Franchise Reboot is… Continue reading