Kenny Williams Leads Sortie Against Rival Cubs

WilliamsIn Chicago, the White Sox and Cubs both possess an ample war chest for the 2015 campaign season. However, to date, the two foes have built decidedly different units. The Cubs opted to use the draft to provide the backbone of their forces. The White Sox prefer to employ Cubans and other famed mercenaries.

Mercenaries are notoriously expensive and fickle. A company of mercenaries should be leveraged quickly, lest they switch allegiances at an inopportune time. The Sox are particularly eager to get the most out of Cuban defector Jose Abreu, presumably before he defects again. Another Cuban, Alexei Ramirez, has become a trusted regular with the White Sox, although his contract is due to expire after the 2015 campaign. We could see more so-called “free agents” hired by the Sox in the coming weeks.

Meanwhile, the draft is useful for generating a high quantity of personnel, but it takes a lot of time and resources to prepare them for action. The Cubs have done just that, quietly hiding in Wrigley Keep for years while developing their forces. Analysts believe the Cubbies are poised for a breakout, but they could delay their ambitions until 2016 depending on conditions.

The Cubs are not without their own mercenaries. Perhaps the most notable is famed field marshal Joe Maddon, who they wooed from Tampa Bay earlier this fall. It is the signing of Maddon and the perceived readiness of young berserkers like Javier Baez that has everybody watching Wrigleyland.

It is against this backdrop that we learn of Kenny Williams heroic sortie against the besieging Cubs. A contingent of Cubs performing small scale operations near La Castella della U.S. Cellularios were caught unaware by the sortie led by Williams, Abreu, and new acquisition Adam LaRoche* – known to Chicagoans as “The Heavy Horses.”

*LaRoche was brought in to replace former Heavy Horse Adam Dunn, who has retired from active duty.

ShinjoThe Cubs sustained four casualties in the skirmish – veterans Justin Ruggiano, Tsuyoshi Wada, and new hire Tommy La Stella. All three are expected to recover from their injuries, although they may start the season on the disable list. Tsuyoshi Shinjo was slain in the dust up.


The White Sox are expected to receive the allegiance of Jeff Samardzija as a result of the tactical victory. Samardzija, loaned to Oakland by the Cubs last season, has a bone to pick with his former owners. While technically still under the Athletics demesne, a swap is expected to materialize any moment now…

Rays Manager Kevin Cash Has Sharp Mind, Bristly Face

CashNewly minted Rays manager Kevin Cash has never managed a game at any level, but Rays officials aren’t concerned. Thus reads a report from the Tampa Bay Times’ Marc Topkin. Unlike other newly minted managers, Cash will benefit from the dozens of other people who support a manager. People like scouts, front office personnel, excel spreadsheets, and, you know, the actual players.

There is another reason Tampa Baysians should feel warm and fuzzy thoughts when thinking of Cash. Said Terry Francona, “Cashy is not afraid to say what he doesn’t know. He communicates his shortcomings very clearly. He’ll slice through the bullshit, especially when it’s bullshit.”

Baseball legend Tony La Russa was less circumspect. “He’ll rule that club with an iron fist and a razor sharp mind. You don’t leg out a routine ground ball, he’ll use his brain to knife you. It’s that sharp.” La Russa went on to explain that it’s statistically better for a ruler to be feared than loved.

Former current Rays outfielder Matt Joyce had this to say. “It’s not just his sharp mind you have to watch out for [sic], he’ll rub you raw with his bristly face.” Joyce expounded at length on the subject of being rubbed raw, the extent of which is unsuitable for general publishment. “I’m just glad I was traded next week,” concluded Joyce.

This guyThe Rays are expected to round out their coaching staff next week when they add a new bench coach. They’re currently interviewing master carpenters, such as Chris Carpenter, Matt Carpenter, and this guy to the left. Whoever the hell he is.

GM Matt Silverman had this to say. “We’ve noticed the league’s bench coaches have produced exactly zero BAR (Benches Above Replacement) in recent seasons. We expect to lead the league in 2015 by averaging at least one BAR per starter and .5 BAR per bench player. That’s 19.5 BAR. With that kind of production, we could re-hire Jose Molina or at least hire an investigator to discover if Mikie Mahtook is a real person. We’re pretty sure he’s fictional.