About Joshua Allen-Worrell

Joshua Allen-Worrell is an adult man with a chipped front tooth. You can follow him on Twitter at @oldseacaptain. You can also follow him at Walgreens, where he'll lead you to their fine selection of heartburn medication.

Let’s All Praise My New Starting Lineup® Stadium Stars® 1995 Limited Edition Greg Maddux/Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium Figurine

File under: That which contains multitudes.

File under: That which contains multitudes.

Pictured above is a Starting Lineup® Stadium Stars® 1995 Limited Edition Greg Maddux/Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium figurine. It was acquired last year (along with the very authentic and very satin Atlanta Braves Starter jacket atop which it is presented) by my wife, and graciously given to me because my birthday happened and my wife rules.

Because I am – and will remain so for a good while – between the ages of 4 and 104, the Starting Lineup® Stadium Stars® 1995 Limited Edition Greg Maddux/Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium figurine is an appropriate gift. Because I am (a) a Braves fan, (b) a Greg Maddux fan, and (c) a fan of miniaturized models of Hall of Fame pitchers straddling the roofs of multi-purpose stadiums, it is the perfect gift.

The Starting Lineup® Stadium Stars® 1995 Limited Edition Greg Maddux/Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium figurine is the world’s most important moment memorialized. It is a visual and eternal ode to XXXXXL-sized gloves. It is a Beatles concert in 1965, wherein Paul McCartney’s head bobs in and out of the impressive shadow cast by the monolithic Maddux’ megalithic groin. It is the exact moment in the spring of 1974 when Hank Aaron’s 715th home run cleared the wall cardinally south of Giant Greg’s left thigh. In the box, the subject is never a Cub or a Dodger or a Padre, and his foundation is never a parking lot.

Most importantly, it is now my favorite piece of personally-possessed Maddux memorabilia. All apologies, of course, to the “Mad Dog #31″ tattoo that festoons my butt.

Great Moments in Photographic Enhancement: 1933 World Series Edition

Last night, Bartolo Colon became the first quadragenarian to pitch in extra innings of a World Series game since Dolf Luque in 1933.

Provided below is a photograph of then president Franklin D. Roosevelt arriving at said World Series.

1933 World Series-border

Do you smell that, reader? It is the scent of pure, unadulterated Americana: apple pie, trenchcoats and Trilby hats, tobacco juice. It is also the stench that accompanies a decade of crippling economic depression and imminent war. Capital-A Americana, this photo. I can’t imagine an image more deserving of a closer look, courtesy of Banknotes Industries’ own state-of-the-art-in-1977 Yushityu® Forensic-Image-Enhancement-Machine-For-Forensics.

Let’s zoom right in, shall we? Enhance!

1933 World Series-border300

Enhance again:

1933 World Series-border500

I think we’re onto something, reader. I feel it in my loins and in my mouth, which suddenly tastes like every Applebee’s appetizer all at once. Enhance!

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Hmm, what’s that bit of color there? It looks like a jelly donut that is also a sexual tour de force.

Enhance me, baby, one more time.

Bartolo_and_friends

Ah, there it is. A jelly donut? Perhaps. A sexual tour de force? Undeniably.

This has been Great Moments in Photographic Enhancement: 1933 World Series Edition.