The press release from MLB, in the lead-up to the All-Star Game in Cincinnati:
Major League Baseball and the Cincinnati Reds today announced that 20 Cincinnati baseball-inspired statues will be placed around the Queen City. Each statue is an oversized mustache emblazoned with unique All-Star or Reds-centric imagery and text. The mustache resembles the handlebar style sported by Reds mascot Mr. Redlegs. Each statue measures 8 feet wide, 2.5 feet high and weighs approximately 850 pounds.
The actual – no foolin’ here – rest of the press release:
In addition to these oversized cookie dusters, the Queen City will also feature large-scale replicas of some of history’s most iconic mustaches:
- Hulk Hogan: Provided the aesthetic enticement of the wrestler’s horseshoe ’stache, visitors are invited to gaze upon its magnificence as if it were the Arc de Triomphe, and, in a moment that only Paris can provide, cuddle with significant others while speaking in hushed tones about the price of dessert and the behavior of that awful waiter.
- Wilford Brimley: Visitors are encouraged to rummage through the oversized whiskers to find leftover chunks of fake Quaker Oatmeal, which they can either ingest in advance of an adventurous ride to the emergency room or redeem for pre-owned VHS tapes of the movie Cocoon, in addition to the dying echoes of the word “die-uh-beet-us.”
- Groucho Marx: Given the density of Groucho’s ’stache, visitors are invited to bushwhack through the bristles in efforts to find undiscovered groups of indigenous settlers who have never heard of Joey Votto.
- Salvador Dali: Visitors are encouraged to kick surrealist footballs (provided for 10 realist dollars) through the figurative goalposts of Dali’s upswept ’stache to score enjoyable “game-winning” field goals or, if feeling a bit less adventurous, delightful “game-tying” extra points.
- Rollie Fingers: Supplied with the upswept curls of the handlebar ’stache, visitors are encouraged to pretend that they are riding the world’s largest Harley-Davidson before engaging in a meth-distribution dispute with the sociopathic recruitment officer of the local chapter of the Bandidos biker gang and then losing an eye and two quarts of blood.
- Charlie Chaplin: Visitors are encouraged, though certainly not required, to grab one of the free on-site broom handles, secure it to the bristles of the Chaplin ’stache and sweep the corner clean of discarded leaflets redeemable for five free minutes on a 60-minute massage at the Midnight Cowboy Therapy Emporium (limit one per customer, please).
- John Waters: If sufficiently industrious, visitors are invited to detach the Waters ’stache from its mooring and, with it, scour each drainpipe within a 10-block radius. Once the project is complete, they may pretend that the ’stache is the killer asp from the never-released 1950s movie Attack of the Killer Asp, going so far as to lie beneath it while screaming for mercy that never comes and then dying in unmitigated agony.
Major League Baseball hopes that a good time will be had by all.
h/t Darkstone42, gifted practitioner of tipping hotly.