Continuing: The Banknotes Industries Franchise Four!

Mount Rushmore

If you’re anything like me, you just finished watching a Walker, Texas Ranger marathon on your illegal cable hook-up. In addition, you probably noticed through a fog of ass-whoopins and a haze of ethical appeals — the good stuff, not that crap from Aristotle’s On Rhetoric — that Major League Baseball has continued to launch its Franchise Four campaign, in which fans vote for each franchise’s most impactful quartet of players.

Well, here at Banknotes Industries, we still don’t cotton to that kind of feel-goodery. (We cotton to other kinds of feel-goodery, like when Walker kicks the livin’ shit out of some ne’er-do-well in a blue bandana, but never that kind.) No, here at BNI, we like to crawl through the slag of submission and the remains of ruin to celebrate, if such a term applies, those whose downfalls mirror own own. What continues, then, is our own Franchise Four — the least impactful, or bottom four, players in each franchise’s history.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST

Atlanta Braves: Warren “Satan’s” Spawn, Orlando Centipede, Dale Murphybed, Shitter Jones

Miami Marlins: Edgar Rentacaria, Robb Nun, Jorge Cannot, Flabby Sanchez

New York Mets: Tom Seasick, Dwight Bad’n, Daryl Strawberrydaiquri, David Notquiteright

Philadelphia Phillies: Chuck DeKlein, Mike Schidt, Meat Trillo, Chase Skirtley

Washington Nationals: Tim Droughts, Rusty Swing, Andre “The San Francisco Giant” Dawsan, Vladimir Putin
 
NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs: Cupcheck Anson, Mortify “No Finger” Brown, Ron “I Killed” Santa, Mark Disgrace

Cincinnati Reds: Miller Huggies, Dave Misconcepcion, Jimmy “I Belong On The End Of The” Bench, Ron Oester

Milwaukee Brewers: Robin “Behind In The” Count, Paul Hallmonitor, Jester Fielder, Ryan Braun

Pittsburgh Pirates: Pie Trainer, Bill Spazeroski, Ralph Kinerandgentlerandweaker, Willie Notastargell

St. Louis Cardinals: Rogers Horndog, Jim Bottomdweller, Enos Butcher, Stan “The Aimee Mann” Musiol

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy “No Unit” Johnsen, Curt Twelvepencenonetheshittier, Brandon Webdesigner, Tuffy Gosewisch

Colorado Rockies: Todd Helltown, Larry Sleepwalker, Andres Ladygarraga, Dante Kitchenette

Los Angeles Dodgers: Weepy Reese, Don Criesdale, Sandy Koudependent, Dee Snider
 
San Diego Padres: Dave Lossfield, Trevor Hoffmouse, Won’t Venable, Alexi I’mabarista

San Francisco Giants: Christie Brinkley Mathewsan, Mel Out, Willie “The Say Nay Kid” Mayes, Barry Bondvillain

Announcing: The Banknotes Industries Franchise Four!

Mount Rushmore

If you’re anything like me, you just woke up. In addition, you probably noticed through a fog of opium and a haze of hashish — the good stuff, not that crap from the Dopesville Co-op — that Major League Baseball has just launched its Franchise Four campaign, in which fans vote for each franchise’s most impactful quartet of players. Well, here at Banknotes Industries, we don’t cotton to that kind of feel-goodery. (We cotton to other kinds of feel-goodery, sure, but never that kind.) No, here at BNI, we like to slither through the dregs of defeat and the residue of surrender to celebrate, if such a term applies, those whose failures mirror our own. What follows, then, is our own Franchise Four — the least impactful, or bottom four, players in each franchise’s history.

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST

Baltimore Orioles: Foster Brooks Rabinson, Booz Powell, John Lowenbrau, Tipsy Martinez

Boston Red Sox: Tad “The Splendid Vintner” Williams, Wade Juggs, Roger “Rucksack” Clements, David “Big Pupae” Ortez

New York Yankees: Wide Willie Kealer, Lou “The Iron Lung” Gahrig, Mickey Can’tle, Kevin Maas

Tampa Bay Rays: Eva Longoria, Joan Crawford, Vincent Price, Lee J. Cobb

Toronto Blue Jays: Dave Stub, Jimmy Keyparty, Roy “Roman” Holiday, Billy Carter

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox: Luke Applingdumplegang, Addie “Too Many Tom” Collins, Ron Kibble, Frank “The Small Death” Thamos

Cleveland Indians: Bob Tumbler, Bris Leaker, Nap “Throughout Most Of The Game” LaJoy, Cory Snyder

Detroit Tigers: Ty Webb, Hank “My Strikeout Rate Is Just The Tip Of The” Iceberg, Charlie Boringer, All Saline

Kansas City Royals: George Fret, Infamous Infotis, Hal BacNe, Brett Saberghagendazs

Minnesota Twins: Kirby Fuckitt, Harmon “Imma Killa Buncha” Brews, Bert Blylevenpointeighteearray, Kent Hrrrdrrrbek

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST

Houston Astros: Jose Crud, Jeff Bagpoorly, Craig Littlio, Lance Berkboy

Los Angeles Angels: Chuck Kitaen, Mike Salmon, Tim Trout, C.J. Tron 

Oakland Athletics: Jimmie “Chikken” Poxx, Lefty Grave, Rollie Fingerfoods, Rickey Tobey Flenderson

Seattle Mariners: Edgar Martinis, Ken Spliffy Jr., Felix Hernia-Daze, E. “9” Chiro

Texas Rangers: Toby Caesarspalace, Ivan “The Terrible — No, Really, I’m Awful” Radriguez, Ruben Sierramadre Paleale, Nolan Ryanssteakhousebuffet

Tomorrow: the National League