Marlins Man attends the World Series, the Kentucky Derby, the NBA Finals, and nearly every other major sporting event. But hardworking researchers in the Banknotes Industries Department of Investigative Interns have uncovered evidence of Marlins Man attending a series of other interesting events through history:
Earlier today I had the opportunity to sit down with Twins pitcher Ricky Nolasco. It was right before he took the mound for what will be the final game of the spring, and as such I wanted to know if he’d be trying out any new techniques that we might expect to see once the games started counting for something.
For the most part he gave typical boring answers, but when I asked him how he was planning to keep the ball in the park he suddenly got very quiet and simply said
“Oh, I’ve got something very special in mind for that”
Putting this down as simply Nolasco being a little odd I didn’t think too much of it. Until the game began and I noticed a very interesting trend. Feast your eyes on Ricky’s reaction to all four homers he gave up in the game.
The evidence is incontrovertible, Ricky Nolasco has somehow developed a gravity altering device that he has hidden in his pants and will be using to suppress home runs this season. How he’s done this is unclear but it is the only explanation.
Given that he gave up a homer on each of the plays in question it’s safe to assume that there are still some kinks to be hammered out, but I’m afraid the device will be quite operational by the time the playoffs arrive.
Banknotes Industries, through
several bribes to high-ranking NSA officials confidential sources, which are totally protected under the First Amendment, has learned that Ben Cherington, former GM of the Boston Red Sox, called Theo Epstein, President of Baseball Operations for the Chicago Cubs, last night. The transcript of that conversation is provided below in its entirety.
BC: Hi Theo. Can I call you Theo? It’s Ben Cherington.
TE: Um, hi Ben. Theo’s fine. Can I help you?
BC: Yeah, I just wanted to congratulate you on signing Heyward and Zobrist. Good work.
TE: Thanks. We’re really excited about 2016.
BC: Seriously, you guys are gonna roll over the league this year. It’s just like last winter, when I signed Ramirez and Sandoval and we were the best team in baseball. The Yankees never knew what hit them. Continue reading
Lady and Gentlemen, I’ve recently become aware of a serious injustice perpetuated in the world of saber-metrics; sNI+ has been entirely overlooked. You’ve probably never even heard of it, I myself learned of it only this morning, I’ll now attempt to enlighten you.
— Dee Gordon (@FlashGJr) June 1, 2015
Look at this picture. Look at it.
Giancarlo Stanton is That Guy who:
- Eats all the Kit Kats at once instead of snapping them off
- Saves the brown M&Ms for last
- Doesn’t eat the rind when you share a wedge of melted brie
- Drinks his Guinness from a pilsner glass
- Bites off popsicle chunks like an apple
- Bites off onion chunks like an apple
- Belches to show his appreciation for a good meal
- Tries to find the wrong way to eat a Reese’s
- Uses the ice cream scoop as his spoon
- Orders his steak well-done
- Drinks cabernet sauvignon with fish
- Doesn’t trim his fingernails before pleasuring the ladies
- Parks his SUV in a compact-only zone
- Holds the door open for you when you’re still like 30 steps away
- Never puts his weights back at the gym
- Tells everyone at Monday practice what happened at the end of Game of Thrones
- Thought Mad Max: Fury Road was just okay
- Texts you only in emojis
- Takes the urinal next to you in an empty bathroom
- Eats Marcell Ozuna’s leftover Chinese from the breakroom fridge
- Leaves the water running when he brushes his teeth
P.S. This is off-topic, but I gotta say it: is it just me or does the Marlins team plane look really shitty?
In yesterday’s Rangers-Astros game at Globe Life Park in Arlington, Houston outfielder Colby Rasmus stepped to the plate not once but twice with his zipper down, first in the second inning and again in the ninth. Surely unprecedented, Rasmus’ groinal two-fer prompted immediate and fevered speculation among baseball fans, with some observers theorizing that the Astros employ a between-innings urologist and others guessing that Rasmus, having misunderstood the similar exertions of his golden retriever, simply enjoys dragging his jockstrap-encased package across the carpet on the locker room floor.
Upon hearing the news and reviewing the speculation, the Banknotes Industries Investigative Team took a break from its sundry and secretive probes to scrutinize the emergent Zippergate, or, as we call it, Zipperopengate, or Gateopengate, or even Opengategate. What follows is a list of likely reasons for Rasmsus’ adventures with the fly.
- Rasmus often stores trail mix in his crotch – or, as medical professionals call it, “crotchal region” – and upon surmising that he’d spend a great deal of time on the base paths against Rangers pitching, he wanted to provide easy access to the nuts and raisins.
- Rasmus enjoys playing the song Camptown Races on his zipper – DOO-dah, DOO-dah – and upon twice completing the chorus, he simply forgot to zip the thing back up.
- Rasmus invented a jockstrap that deploys a small parachute on command, and after realizing he’d likely go speeding headlong into second and/or third base, he decided to open the hatch.
- The ermine-lined athletic cup, which he also invented, gets really hot.
Wade Miley was recently traded from the Diamondbacks to the Red Sox, apparently because he refused to follow a gluten-free diet. A lesser internet baseball comedy site would make a joke about fried chicken and beer, but here at Banknotes Industries, we go the extra mile for the baseball-loving public. And it’s a good thing we didn’t go for the cheap joke, because the Banknotes Industries crack investigative reporting team has discovered that this sort of thing has been happening for years. What follows is a partial list of players who were traded for similar “clubhouse culture” reasons.
1919: Babe Ruth sold by the Boston Red Sox.
The reason: Refused to assist in “discouraging” union organizers on the Boston waterfront.
1927: Sam (Dolly) Gray traded by the Philadelphia A’s.
The reason: Preferred the Lindy Hop to the Charleston.
1937: Phil Weintraub sold by the Cincinnati Reds.
The reason: Insisted on playing Monopoly without the “Free Parking jackpot.”
1953: Bill Abernathie traded by the Cleveland Indians.
The reason: Against the advice of team doctors, didn’t smoke in the dugout between innings.
1954: George Zuverink sold by the Cincinnati Redlegs.
The reason: His last name “sounded Russian.”
1965: Jesse Gonder traded by the New York Mets.
The reason: Was way too excited about the Beatles. Practiced signing his name as “Jesse McCartney.”
1972: Lowell Palmer traded by the Chicago White Sox.
The reason: Refused invitations to Bill Veeck’s key parties.
1978: Bill Lee traded by the Boston Red Sox.
The reason: Kept trying to “use the force” to get late movement on his pitches.
1982: Rance Mulliniks traded by the Kansas City Royals.
The reason: Management feared that “Pac-Man fever” might be contagious.
1986: Greg Brock traded by the Los Angeles Dodgers.
The reason: Embarrassed teammates by solving a Rubik’s Cube.
1989: Hal Morris traded by the New York Yankees.
The reason: Only followed five habits of highly effective people.
1996: Doug Drabek granted free agency by the Houston Astros.
The reason: Still had a mullet.
1999: Chris Brock traded by the San Francisco Giants.
The reason: Didn’t think Y2K would be a big deal.
2001: Carl Everett traded by the Boston Red Sox.
The reason: Didn’t believe in dinosaurs.
2008: Ramon Ramirez traded by the Colorado Rockies.
The reason: Streamed pitchers in his fantasy league.
2011: Jed Lowrie traded by the Boston Red Sox.
The reason: Kept bringing gluten-free beer to the clubhouse.
WARNING: CONTENT MAY BE DISTURBING TO ALL READERS
Chicago Cubs GM Theo Epstein told CSNChicago.com on Monday that he “was ready to soak himself in deer urine, if necessary” in efforts to land the services of professional baseball pitcher and amateur deer hunter Jon Lester. (As you know, successful deer hunters often apply deer urine to their hunting apparel to attract their prey, while less successful hunters often apply gunpowder and venison gravy.)
Following Epstein’s admission, the Banknotes Industries Investigative Team asked several other MLB GMs a pair of probing questions: A) In what substance would you soak yourself in efforts to land a coveted free agent?, and B) how does my hair look?
Oh, we also asked C): “In what substance wouldn’t you soak yourself…?”
What follows is a list of answers that are not completely made up.
40-point buck urine
50-point buck diarrhea
a medley of 40-point buck urine and 50-point buck diarrhea
a cocktail of the aforementioned waste products plus a dash of liquefied roadkill
month-old nacho cheese sauce from the 7-Eleven at Fifth and Elm
Charlie Manuel’s melted-down earwax
a slurry made from deodorant scraped from the armpits of Jeff Samardzija after a 110-pitch outing in late August and the leftover hot-dog water from Citizens Bank Park
expired chili from the Dumpster behind Squatsy Johnson’s House of Kick-Ass Chili
the effluvium from a coal-fired power station
the effluvium from a coal-fired power station plus a pinch of free-tailed bat guano
slightly crusted Jagerbomb vomit from Spring Break in Panama City (2013-2014)