A Taxonomy of Shitty MLB.com Headlines

Unfortunately, all of the following are real headlines from the homepage of MLB.com or the MLB app. I’ve collected them for the past six weeks to create a cataloguing system for shitty baseball headlines.

Media Watchdog!

Media Watchdog!

Dumb Puns on Player Names
7-day Sale: Lefty stifles Twins to go 7-0
Cano-doubter stuns Astros in extras
Fight for your Wright: Mets walk off
Deja Moo: Betts’ 2 HRs in 2 ABs x 2 historic
Max poetic: Scherzer K’s 11 as Nats sweep Phils

Special Subcategory: Dumb Puns on Noah “Thor” Syndergaard’s Name, Specifically
Noah’s arc: Starter the whole story vs. Dodgers
2 by who? Pair of homers makes it Noah’s Park
Thor of the same: Ace K’s 11 as Mets sweep
Ejection is Thor subject for Mets Continue reading

Banknotes Industries Media Watch Dog: Play for the love of the game edition

a watchdog

This morning’s Dee Gordon news caused quite the hubub around the baseball world. With Gordon being the second player caught in as many weeks, a lot of people got very silly on twitter.

The Boston Globe’s Peter Abraham (the globe is owned by John Henry, who in addition to being a powerful steel driving man is the owner of the Boston Red Sox)

ESPN’s Buster Olney

And the Detroit Tigers Justin Verlander

Now in my personal opinion the ideas above are crazy. To give one side of a guaranteed contract the ability to void that contract is a very dangerous move, and the suggestion that the union is somehow in the wrong for not going along with this is absurd.

As for Verlander’s point it effectively means treating a player as guilty until proven innocent. The reason you are allowed to play while appealing is so that word does not get out, false positives happen all the time and they can ruin a player’s name. I can only imagine Verlander himself being in the same situation yet insisting on playing because in this case he is innocent.

But nobody really cares what I think, so I called my Grandpa and asked his opinion.

Me= Me
GP= Grandpa

Me: “So what is you’re opinion on the MLBPA surrendering the rights of it’s player to keep the game clean?”

GP: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “Do you think the baseball players union is too powerful?”

GP: “Yes I think so, to be honest I don’t even think these guys should be paid. I had to go to work everyday for a living, then on Wednesday I would PAY to go down to the park and play. I don’t see why this should be any different.”

Me: “Well they play everyday”

GP: “So would I if I could’ve, we could only get the park on Wednesdays though”

Me: “But what about all the travel, they have to fly all over the place constantly, Its a very hard life”

GP: “The travel is a bonus! I seem to remember you being very excited to travel that time you went to Australia, and Scotland, and New York!”

Me: “But what about the fact that these guys bring in millions of dollars every year for their company, shouldn’t they be rewarded?”

GP: “That’s my biggest gripe, if these guys weren’t being paid so much maybe the games would be free, they should be, it’s a pastime not a buisness and if they love the game so much it shouldn’t be such a chore to play it”

And with that the conversation ended.

Comment Spotlight: A Cory Conspiracy

Welcome to the first in a series of posts intending to highlight the creamiest comments submitted by anonymous users from across the United States and also the World to any one of a sample of baseball blogs united by nothing but that the author happens to go to those and does not, will not, pay for content. In no small way are these sites held up by a community rooted in comment sections–a community that, by forgoing markers of identity in favor of written communication–a form that usually calls for greater care and consideration than speech–can more effectively satisfy the needs of its reader base to both in engage with their object of interest and also exchange and express thoughts and feelings about said subject without the palette of performances necessary to sustain fleshy encounters with other breathing bodies.

The first entry in our series, by yaboynate, sits in satisfactory isolation. Due to the typical internet user’s lack of scruples or tact, it does not often play out this way, but in some cases a comment is so well executed by measures both aesthetic and comedic that all further discussion is halted to better recognize the moment in the internet’s analog of space and time. In this case, it was the parent post’s relative obscurity that has produced this pleasing state of affairs. The original post, to Instagraphs I guess, was a reacquaintance with Cory Luebke, who, in case you are like me and confused their names, is a nice boy and totally not like ugly, stupid, rapist Josh Lueke. Luebke with a B’s brief career and promising comeback are detailed here: Cory Luebke’s Incredible Comeback, but our honored comment, below the break, might call its content into question, and even throw doubt upon the author’s motives and interests. Someone had to speak up. Continue reading

Banknotes Media Watchdog: Arbitrary leaderboards that justify sweeping statements

a watchdogWhen you hear the word Fox a couple of things probably come into your head (assuming that you’re already thinking of media related topics, not the animal).

You might think of the ‘news’ channel first, this post isn’t about that but good god is that horrible.

Next you might think of that television channel that had the Simpsons first, again not the topic of this post.

Finally you might come to that website that the occasional FanGraphs post labeled JABO would annoyingly bring you to, this is what we are discussing today. Sadly, for reasons unknown, a few months ago JABO (which stands for Just A Bit Outside) was dispatched from the pages of the internet. Even more sadly the fools at Fox have continued to produce baseball content despite absolutely no knowledge or qualification for doing so. Case in point, the following ‘article’.

screenshot-twitter.com 2016-01-29 11-12-29

That’s the full post, save the title which curiously was “Kansas City Royals one of Worst AL teams to win the World Series since 2000″. You might notice that despite the title saying nothing about batting average, the entire argument is based on a entirely context free leaderboard of the outdated and useless stat.

I would extend to you a link to the article but all you would see is the following. screenshot-www.foxsports.com 2016-01-29 10-40-11

That’s right, they deleted the post, the ultimate act of journalistic integrity. Apparently since Fox removed JABO they have adopted a new strategy of flailing wildly for content.

Great Moments in TV Graphics: Ichiro’s Pitch Speeds

In the Miami Marlins’ final game of 2015, Ichiro Suzuki pitched the eighth inning. Midway through his appearance, the Marlins’ broadcast crew commemorated the occasion with this infographic:


At the moment, we, the viewers, were not yet fully apprised of Ichiro’s true range. Shortly after this graphic, Ichiro threw a changeup at 76 miles per hour.

But, for one glorious moment, the Marlins broadcast this true milestone in scouting reportage. And an already-great moment in baseball history was made even greater.

Banknotes Industries Media Watchdog: Who’s not who edition

a-watchdog-300x225What follows is the latest in an infinity of critiques of national baseball reportage.

Earlier this week self proclaimed New York sports expert Stephen A. Smith took to twitter to make his thoughts plain in regards to Andrew Miller’s performance that night.The Following tweet was truly inspired.

Well said Mr. Smith! Miller may think his fancy 34/2 save rate, 14.60 k/9 and sub 2 ERA are enough to be considered a closer, but thanks to Smith we’re on to his tomfoolery. He is certainly not Mariano Rivera.

This revelation prompted us in the Banknotes watchdog department to compile a list of current Yankees who, upon closer inspection, are not former Yankees.

Brian McCann, not Yogi Berra

Greg Bird, not Lou Gehrig

Didi Gregarious, not Derek Jeter

And most egregious of all Jacoby Ellsbury is neither Mickey Mantle nor Joe DiMaggio

This has been the Banknotes Media watchdog. Remember always be vigilant, don’t be fooled by players deviously pretending to be other players.

Good night, and Good luck.

Banknotes Harper Expands Empire into Browser Clickbait Ads

Banknotes Harper, noted business mogul, has begun a hostile takeover of the browser clickbait ad industry.

Banknotes Click Bait

As seen above, Banknotes Harper has purchased all six browser ads in my recent weblog reading session:

  • Don’t Miss The Hot News On This Stock: Banknotes Harper Is Selling! Escape While You Can!
  • The Secret Meanings Behind The Questions Women Ask: Banknotes Harper Explains!
  • Banknotes Harper Dramatically Cures Celebs Who Have Severe Illnesses, Then Uses Them For His Own Merciless Ends
  • Drivers Feel Stupid For Not Knowing That A Banknotes Industries Employee ID Card Exempts Them From All Traffic Fines
  • 8 Actors Who Were Fired While Filming By Noted Studio Executive Banknotes Harper

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I, as junior sub-intern, am currently typing on my desktop whilst driving myself out to the set to fire a severely ill actor who lost everything in the stock market because he didn’t know what women want.

Banknotes Industries Media Watchdog: Provisional Guarantees Edition

a watchdog

What follows is the latest in an infinity of critiques of national baseball reportage.

Earlier this week, in the lead-up to a Dodger-Brewers matchup, a televised baseball analyst issued the following baseball analysis to a second televised baseball analyst: “Greinke is facing the Brewers and Matt Garza. That sounds like a guaranteed win.”

The second baseball analyst, having been hired by a television network to issue insightful baseball analysis on television, issued the following baseball analysis on television: “It might be.”

And so, in the grand tradition of master rhetoricians who have bestowed upon the populace the sort of flexible language that makes Extenze advertising possible, we have a paid analyst proclaiming that certain victory is a distinct possibility, or, differently put, that it is with 100 percent confidence that a bettor can anticipate the potential for triumph.

Good night, and good luck.

Banknotes Industries Media Watchdog: Cinco de Mayo Edition


What follows is the second of an infinity of critiques of national baseball reportage.

On a televised baseball report today, there was this:

Given the contemporary tools of baseball evaluation, a reasonable person might conclude that Matt Carpenter is a fine choice, indeed, for a favorite third baseman. He hits, he fields, he throws and he often boasts a 5 o’clock shadow that gives him the look of a grizzled character actor in a 1990s movie about 1930s ballplayers. But please, in the name of all that is etched in the annals of humankind, please don’t claim that Texas has any historical connection, save for one notable exception, to Cinco de Mayo. To do so is to twist history into promotional myth, to traffic inaccuracy in service of a sly marketing convenience.
Continue reading

Introducing: Banknotes Industries Media Watchdog

a watchdog

What follows is the first of an infinity of critiques of national baseball reportage.

On a televised baseball report today, a televised baseball reporter reported the following baseball report, all of it, unfortunately, on television:

“With veteran players,” the baseball reporter reported, gazing reporter-like into the camera, “it does take a little while sometimes to get in the swing.”

Left unreported is that with other veteran players, or the same veteran players at different times, it does not take a little while to get in the swing. Also left unreported is that with young players, it takes a little while sometimes to get in the swing. Left unreported, too, is that with different young players, or the same young players but at different times, it does not take a little while to get in the swing.

Good night, and good luck.