Revisiting Recent History of the Future

Mikey Dingdong

This idiot.

As the final weeks of regular season play bear down upon us, frothy and chomping, rabid with glee, we would like to take a brief and largely premature look back at some predictions that were made by the BNI staff some five or six months younger, as part of our effort to make demonstrations of professionalism that mean very little, except that the bar for accountability in sports journalism is so low we cannot even trip over it.

Continue reading

Tidbits and Notes

genericbaseballclipartAs we complete the first ten days of the 2016 season, know that the fine folks at BNI have scoured the lowest bilge troughs to turn up items of interest that you might not have discovered in more main-stream venues, providing a quick glimpse of affairs both behind-the-scenes and, as our efforts are abetted by our cosmic view, not yet come to pass.

AL East

  • Several major baseball writing sites have had their offices stormed by Orioles fans, furious at a perceived “lack of respect,” after said sites suggested that Baltimore would not finish the season 162-0.
  • In the thick of the playoff race, the laptop holding the division records will be dropped, jumbling the numbers of all teams in the AL East, who will thereafter be required to take turns blindly drawing wins and losses from a bucket (in lieu of a hat, which no one will have on hand) in order to determine the standings.

Continue reading

Opening Weak

When comes the Opening in days that come, in times far off from here — in some unknown and godless, bright potential age that might arrive, that could emerge — then we’ll greet it as we will do then every year in our religious habit as the age demands.  We’ll don our sacred caps, obey the sun, and season’s benediction thus intone: Continue reading

Banknotes Industries Staff Predictions!

Gypsy_fortune_teller

Welcome, dear readers, to the second annual Banknotes Industries Staff Predictions ‘N Regional Cabrito Cookoff, now with 50 percent more accuracy (give or take) and three extra napkins! What follows is what Nostradamus himself foretold one rainy afternoon in 1562, when, drunk on the power of having accurately predicted the winner of the 1978 Kentucky Derby and additionally drunk on a locally brewed malt beverage called Quatre Loko, the renowned French seer glanced outside the window and predicted “rain” in addition to “a distant future rife with ridiculously nonbinding major league baseball predictions, one aggregation of which, a day late and many dollars short, will arrive courtesy of a gifted coterie of goat farmers employed by Cabrito Industries ‘N Grill.”

It is interesting to note that Monsieur Nostradamus also predicted the advent of mock drafts and top 50 prospect lists, in addition to the cancellation of Bjork Talks Baseball!

And now, without further adieu … Banknotes Industries Delicious Cabrito Recipes!

ELLIOTT JENKINS

American League East champion: Montreal Expos

American League Central champion: Detroit Beisbolcats

American League West champion: Joe West

National League East champion: Atlanta Braves

National League Central champion: Houston Astros

National League West champion: New York Giants

American League Most Valuable Player: Tim Salmon

National League Most Valuable Player: Kobe Bryant

American League Cy Young Award winner: Randy Auschrat

National League Cy Young Award winner: Shirtless Bartolo Colon
Continue reading

Bald Predictions

bald-mccannAround this time of year, experts in the baseball world, such as ourselves here at BNI, as well as a host of amateurs less gifted in the field of divine visions, will venture to propose items as from the future the truth of which they assure, even prior to the discussed moments’ realizations.  These predictions, if you will, are oft of a nature brazen, forward, in some rustic parts bodacious.  What follows are no such auguries.  Instead, they shall be bald — not to suggest that they pertain to hairlessness, but instead to the broader sense of the negative hypothesis: that which is not.  I give you what is bare.

Continue reading

These 5 Bold Predictions for the End of the MLB Regular Season Had Me Thinking They Were VERY Bold Predictions

"I think God is out here, somewhere, out in the Heoo Galaxy. I think he's out here, and when I find him, I'm going to punch him and I'm going to lay my head in his lap and sob and ask why." -Ryan Howard, December 2015. (Image credit: NASA, before it was destroyed)

“I think God is out here, somewhere, out in the Kiyee Galaxy. I think he’s out here, and when I find him, I’m going to punch him on the jaw, and I’m going to lay my head in his lap and sob and ask why.” -Ryan Howard, December 2015. (Image credit: NASA, before it was destroyed)

Did you know that these following predictions were bold? Most people didn’t. But these bold predictions have MLB front offices panicking, and here’s why: The predictions are bold.
Continue reading

Banknotes Industries Staff Predictions!

Gypsy_fortune_teller

Every once in a while, a predictions post so predictable comes along that no one could have predicted it, let alone seen it coming or foretold its arrival or even prophesied that the augury of such a post is nigh impossible due to contents so utterly unsurprising that to predict them is to surrender to wretched, inexorable fate. This, we think*, is one such post.

*Granted, we are not quite sure. We are pretty confused, actually.

JOHN PASCHAL

American League East champion: the 1918 flu pandemic

American League Central champion: a salted caramel truffle

American League West champion: none

National League East champion: pre-Raphaelite decoupage

National League Central champion: Steven Spielberg’s nose hair trimmer

National League West champion: the square root of sunrise, the radius of birdsong, the aroma of freshman poetry

American League Most Valuable Player: John Goodman as “Babe Ruth”

National League Most Valuable Player: 10 cc’s of expired penicillin

American League Cy Young Award winner: Luke Dunphy

National League Cy Young Award winner: the men and women of the U.S. Postal Service

American League Rookie of the Year: Hankook Tires

National League Rookie of the Year: me

World Series participants: the Hatfields and/or McCoys

World Series champion: the American viewing public, due mostly to syndicated reruns of Who’s the Boss?

Most compelling storyline: Kris Bryant’s candidacy for the vacant Senate seat of John Hipple Mitchell (R-Oregon)

Least compelling storyline: Derek Jeter’s jockstrap — who will fill it, possibly with chipotle mayo dipping sauce?

General prediction/observation: Somebody, somewhere, will play the game the right way. 

BRIAN REINHART

American League East champion: Jose Altuve

American League Central champion: Jose Altuve

American League West champion: Jose Altuve

National League East champion: Jose Altuve

National League Central champion: Jose Altuve

National League West champion: Jose Altuve

American League Most Valuable Player: Jose Altuve

National League Most Valuable Player: Jose Altuve

American League Cy Young Award winner: Daniel Day-Lewis

National League Cy Young Award winner: Patricia Arquette

American League Rookie of the Year: Dennis Quaid

National League Rookie of the Year: Jennifer Hudson

World Series Participants: Kramer vs. Kramer

Least compelling storyline: Baseball’s integrity is compromised by the discovery of the steamy Brian Sabean/Bud Selig/Joe West love triangle.

General prediction/observation: I will sneak into way nicer seats than I paid for at at least two Astros games.

CRAIG ROBINSON

American League East champion: the wonder horse

American League Central champion: the wonder horse

American League West champion: the wonder horse

National League East champion: the wonder horse

National League Central champion: the wonder horse

National League West champion: the wonder horse

American League Most Valuable Player: Ed. note: Mr. Robinson was in the men’s room at this time.

National League Most Valuable Player: Ed. note: Mr. Robinson was in the men’s room at this time.

American League Cy Young Award winner: Ed. note: Mr. Robinson was in the men’s room at this time.

National League Cy Young Award winner: Ed. note: Mr. Robinson was no longer in the men’s room at this time, but he was getting another beer.

American League Rookie of the Year: Ed. note: Owing to his flawed sense of direction, Mr. Robinson was still getting another beer at this time.

National League Rookie of the Year: Ed. note: Mr. Robinson was no longer getting another beer at this time, but he was back in the men’s room.

World Series participants: Diablos Rojos del México vs. Orix Buffaloes

World Series champion: Diablos Rojos del México

Most compelling storyline: The slow, painful, death of Rupert Murdoch, hopefully

General prediction/observation: MLB teams’ official social media accounts will continue to annoy the shit out of me all fucking year. The tedious fucks.

BRADLEY WOODRUM

American League East champion: Sting Rays

American League Central champion: Native Americans

American League West champion: Athletes

National League East champion: Nationalists

National League Central champion: Young Bears

National League West champion: Self Preservationists

American League Most Valuable Player: Mike Trout

National League Most Valuable Player: Miguel Cabrera

American League Cy Young Award winner: David Price

National League Cy Young Award winner: also David Price

American League Rookie of the Year: Steven Philips Souza

National League Rookie of the Year: Bryce Harper

World Series participants: The Los Angeles Self Preservationists and the Cleveland Spiders

World Series champion: In a rare shared-power agreement, LA and Cleveland agree to rule baseball together and not battle to the death.

Most compelling storyline: Bryce Harper travels into the heart of a black hole and comes back to Earth with rookie eligibility. After reviewing the rules on time travel, Rob Manfred will declare over his reading glasses, “It checks out!”

Least compelling storyline: Mike Trout shatters the moon with a home run ball, but most analysts consider it a sad plea for attention as the world has turned its focus to rookie phenom Bryce Harper.

General prediction/observation: The mound will be lowered to -1.2 inches, meaning pitchers will throw upwards for the final week of the season. In his last four games, Mike Trout will hit 30 home runs, but the world will sigh a collective, “Give it a break already, Mike Fishguy.”

BONUS PREDICTIONS!

American League Wild Card winner (1): the Brooklyn Superbas

American League Wild Card winner (2): seasoned curly fries with chipotle mayo dipping sauce

National League Wild Card winner (1): two paperclips, one dress sock and a mysterious drifter named MacGyver

National League Wild Card winner (2): the radical wing of the Whig Party

American League Gold Glove shortstop: this guy

National League Gold Glove shortstop: Benedict Cumberbatch

American League Silver Slugger shortstop: German Chancellor Angela Merkel

National League Silver Slugger shortstop: Bradley “Wonder Boy” Woodrum

BONUS BONUS PREDICTION!

The winner of last night’s game between the Cardinals and Cubs: Cubs, 15-2.