Top 5 MLB Stories Heading into the Playoffs

Capture1. Who will win the AL East?
There’s a tight four-team competition for the AL East, with only the Rays knocked out of contention. With the current leader — Boston — finishing the season with series in Toronto and New York, the division may not be won until the final game of the season.

2. Can Daniel Murphy stay hot in the playoffs?
In the 2015 post-season, Daniel Murphy hit an astounding 7 homers in just 14 games. That offensive explosion has carried over into the 2016 regular season and has earned the Pride of Jacksonville University serious MVP consideration.

3. Can the Cubs break the all-time win record?
With 93 wins and only 17 games left, can the Cubs break the 2001 Seattle Mariners’ record of 116 wins in a single season? Joe Maddon recently said, “No, that’s not mathematically possible.” But that’s not likely to stop them from trying. Stay tuned!

4. Will Tebow arrive in time to save the Mets’ season?
Ten games behind the Nationals and stinging from the departure of JU alum Daniel Murphy, the Mets could really use a 30-year-old broadcaster-turned-outfielder who hasn’t played baseball since high school. Manager Terry Collins has intimated over the past week that the team plans to have him play two-ways, both offense and defense, though it is unclear whether he will be expected to run the option while hitting.

5. Yankees fans expected to start paying attention soon!
As the season winds down, New York fans are beginning to awaken from their year-long abstinence from actually caring about baseball to check on how the Yankees are doing in the playoffs. According to ESPN, if the Yankees fans awaken and don’t see the Yankees in the playoffs, then the MLB post-season will end early, and the NFL football season will be in full swing. But if the Yankees see a playoff team, then the MLB postseason will be long and bloated and overfull with documentaries about Mickey Mantle, Derek Jeter, and not about how uneven wealth is definitely ruining baseball.

Can’t wait!

Banknotes Industries Top 5!

TOP 5 REASONS I RETURNED FROM 17 YEARS* IN SELF-IMPOSED EXILE

* duration of exile estimated — not peer-reviewed, not backed by “science.”

5. The Women

Let me begin by saying that, yes, I am married, and quite happily so, to a remarkable, smart, beautiful and living woman, yet a woman whose delusions have grown to include the convenient (for me, anyway!) belief that I am not only worthy of her attention but that I merit such consideration on a daily basis. Marriage is amazing that way. It’s an everyday thing, and every night, too, and the fact that I don’t begin each morning dumped on a streetside curb is one of life’s most incredible (for me, anyway!) mysteries-turned-realities.

I am glad you know this now.

That said, I should also remind you that I am a human male, and consistently so. As such, I remain shackled to biological imperatives and thus to an unflagging appreciation of the human female form and the many varieties of its super-fetching aesthetic. The point of this admission? The point of this admission is that, as many of you know, the marble expanses of the BNI Headquarters are staffed with a stunning assemblage of international beauties, each fitted with a shiny silver dress (think Ginger, from Gilligan’s Island) and a sash that reads, e.g., I Am Wearing This Sash To Remind You, In The Off-Chance That You Need Reminding, That I Am A Ridiculously Good-Looking Human Woman And Also That We Really Need Longer Sash….

Seriously, this place is a cross between Deal or No Deal and Donald Trump’s wettest dream.

Again, I am married, and happily so, but what man could resist — hang on for a sec while I eat this seedless grape from Miss Tropicana Venezuela’s outstretched fingers — what man could resist — hey, Miss Coppertone Brazil, could you move that palm frond just a bit to the left? — could resist the Caligula-like pleasuredome located here at 101 Banknotes Industries Boulevard?

In fact, at this moment, I’m so utterly relaxed that I can more deeply ponder my wife’s delusions.

4. Steak Night

Yeah, Steak Night — it’s every Wednesday here at BNI.

You get a choice of baked potato or fries. You also get a yeast roll.

3. The Chance to Make Lists, and to Publish Them

Talk about biological imperatives!

It is a fact of basic science that the DNA of human people is rife with little nucleotides that instruct us, as if we were flesh-coated automatons indentured to our nerd-administered coding, to observe the world around us and then to reduce its marvels to a convenient set of lists. Duty-bound to biology, the prophet Moses started the trend on Mount Sinai, delivering unto the Israelites a handy (though not quite wallet-sized) set of ten (10) commandments by which to comport themselves and thus to refrain, e.g., from coveting their neighbor’s Miss Coppertone.

Likewise religious, another historical figure took up the cause of listiclism when Martin Luther pruned his ruminations on the power and efficacy of indulgences into 95 user-friendly theses, 74 of which were promptly turned into 16th-century bumper stickers.

Now here I am, having assumed the mantel of history’s greatest figures by creating the very listicle that delivered me from exile and, in the process, erecting an homage to the double helix and all the crazy things it orders us to do in five … four … three … two … one.

Top Five (5) Reasons To Enjoy This Particular Listicle

5) It doesn’t have six entries.
4) It has only five entries.
3) Honestly, it could have had 10 (ten) entries.
2) Admit it — you’re on painkillers.
1) It just now ended.

2. The Chance To Invite All Of You To Brian Reinhart’s Place For Indoor Rollerball

Seriously, how else could I have issued the invitation? I don’t have all your addresses.

Anyhoo, Brian says to be there at “7-ish.” Bring cheese cubes. He has crackers.

And The No. 1 Reason I Returned From 17 Years* In Self-Imposed Exile
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No More StatusQuohio: A Brohio-centric Top 5

A Bart Simpson

Top 5 Ohio-Based Businesses That Might Benefit From Nick “Brohio” Swisher’s Recent Activation From The Disabled List

Blowhio – a not at all illegal business that doesn’t in any way, shape or form sell powdered cocaine and/or oral sex to customers who use the rear entrance – repeat: the rear entrance, between the dumpster and the back door to Lamps! Lamps! Lamps! – but, rather, that sells blow dryers to those who use the front entrance, which, to be clear, is not the rear entrance located just to the left of the dumpster.

Snowhio – another not at all illegal business that doesn’t in any way, shape or form sell powdered cocaine to customers who knock four times in rapid succession and then use an exclusive password such as “The Eagle Has Landed” but rather, that sells refreshing snow cones in a variety of flavors to those who, for example, knock once or twice and use an incorrect password such as “Password” or whatever.

D’ohio – yet another not at all illegal business that doesn’t in any way, shape or form sell knockoff Simpsons merchandise to those who use the promo code “Cowabunga!” but, rather, that sells flour/water mixtures to those who prefer baking cakes to decorating the bed with a playful assortment of Waylon Smithers throw pillows and keeping beers cold with a clownishly enjoyable Krusty koozie.

Hohio – still another not at all illegal business that doesn’t in any way, shape or form operate as a brothel for customers who either know Madame Roxanne personally or who arrive with a written referral from a trusted longtime patron and are prepared for a thorough frisking to ensure that they aren’t wearing a wire or concealing a badge or gun but, rather, that sells long-handled gardening tools to judges and lawyers.

Growhio – one more not at all illegal business that doesn’t in any way, shape or form sell high-end marijuana such as Hindu Kush, Maple Leaf Indica and Shiva Shanti to those who press the buzzer in such a way that it mimics the opening notes of Smoke on the Water but, rather, that sells penis pumps to desperate middle-aged men.