A Call for Charity in a Time of Need

Serious Sartorial Update: I need a new suit.

My last suit? Well, I left it at the cleaners. And then, perhaps more notably, I burned the cleaners to the ground. As it turns out, I don’t get the insurance money. The owners of the building get the money. That, apparently, is how it works. I probably should have studied up on it. Interestingly, the instructions for How To Collect Insurance Money By Way Of Arson were in the pocket of my suit.

Anyhoo, as you know, you win a free suit every time you click on a link like this one. Go ahead. Try it! And if clinically diagnosed paranoia has prevented you from clicking said link, I hereby proffer this unyieldingly tempting enticement as a way to both tempt and entice you, unyieldingly.


Luis Alvarado:
A) is the top infielder at Crazy Bob’s Galaxy Of Used Cars.
B) committed an error last week and had to pay for old lady Crawford’s windshield.
C) is surprised by the sparse attendance at the annual car show.
D) thinks he can probably get a ride home.

A Corrales

Pat Corrales:
A) is not enjoying his first visit to the gynecologist.
B) is competing in the annual Really Violent Seizure Tournament.
C) thinks ballpark security should have denied entry to the sniper.
D) believes Roman officials ought to put an end to these contests.

All right? Here’s the plan: You get the suit; you give it to me. I’m scheduled to attend the Learn To Victimize Suckers By Stealing The Suit Right Off Their Backs Convention, and I really need to look good.

Baseball Cards and the Things You Can Do With Them

Hey, remember those Fun With Old Photos pieces at The Hardball Times?

{Note to self: Hold for silence.}

{Hold, also, for barely audible sound of collective headshaking.}

{Hold, too, for louder sound of readers switching to another website, probably porn.}

{Hold for more personal, more intimate period of deep introspection and questions of “why am I here?” and “what’s it all about” and “what time is Family Feud on today?”

If not, here’s an amateur tip of professional quality: They were, and are, the humorous comedy posts that Woody Allen and/or Allen Woody are currently turning into a humorous comedy and/or a sexy sex movie. I forget which. Does it really matter?

{Hold while remaining readers attempt to determine seriousness of above paragraph.}

{Keep holding.}

{Shake head and put hands on hips while referee marches off 10 yards.}

Well, whether you remember it or not, FWOP became so successful in the realm of humorous comedy and/or sexy sex that I, being yours truly, have hereby applied the formula to those rectangular keepers of cardboard molecules and passé stats, baseball cards. What follows is – sorry, are – no fewer than three quality examples of said formula. (Additional pro-like tip: Click to engage embiggenative properties.)

A Riggans

Shaun Riggans:
A) is not aware that they made a sequel to The Fog.
B) is posing at the edge of a Cypress Hill concert.
C) is making his debut in the Foggy Scottish Moors League.
D) has died and gone to Heaven, despite playing for the Devil Rays.

A Karros

Eric Karros:
A) can hit pretty well during locust invasions.
B) performs best when playing on a screened-in porch.
C) is raging, raging against the dying of the light.
D) needs to be tested for mold.

A Fernando

Fernando Valenzuela:
A) enjoys playing for manager Tommy Lasagna.
B) enjoys playing with teammate Mike Sauceya.
C) enjoys playing with teammate Spaghetti Alfredo Griffin.
D) listens often to teammate Tim Belcher.

For other sexy and humorous examples, please tune into The Hardball Times.

And as always, remember: If you read the post, you win a free:
Continue reading