Explain That GIF!

Examinate:

Let us now Explain That GIF!

  1. After being held hostage by the Cosplay Gang, Milo finally senses an opportunity to escape.
  2. “But how will we smuggle that much heroin into San Francisco?” Rogelio asked. “Easy,” Henry told him. “We hide in plain sight. We’ll be so conspicuous, nobody would ever suspect us.”
  3. Desperate to boost ratings, NBC adds a few last-minute events to the Rio Olympics.
  4. Goddammit, Jeffrey Robert Pludermacher thought as he plunged into the chilly waters. I thought dressing in a skeleton suit would be such a badass way to be a serial killer.
  5. As John Paschal fell backwards into Bradley Woodrum’s waiting arms, Christian LaFontaine realized all too late that the Banknotes Industries company picnic conflicted with his dentist appointment.

Readers! Contribute!

New Hire, No Orientation

If you were like me you would have the inside scoop as to the conclusion of B.W. Reinhart’s unfinishable opus noir that originally appeared on these pages, but you are not and as such are left to wonder to what startling and assuredly orgasmic cut of Atropos the narrative threads were leading.  Among your pursuing dreams is the fantasy that base-baller and noble savage Jayson Werth, who appeared in a latter chapter, would eventually join the staff at Banknotes Industries to further our shared greatness.

Awake and arise, gentle fool, for it is so!

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Strike here with thy cursor (and watch at least the first 30 seconds), an thou hast not already seen — or, yea, e’en if thou hast — the good fellow on his first assignment, wherein shortly after gracefully killing several Philadelphia Phillies with his hands he transitions into the journalistic engagement of associating a player with a nickname in the old-fashioned way.  We are not opposed to said practice when it is so deftly done.

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Let Freedom Play Ball!

howdidwenotalreadyhavethisimageThis just in!  We here at BNI, employing tactics we in the reporting industry like to call “getting the scoop,” perhaps known in other circles as “committing multiple felonies” or even “falling under the purview of federal RICO statutes,” bring as an exclusive to you our let’s say adoring readership the notice that MLB plans, for this very season, to enact a significant restructuring of the postseason format.

There have, of course, accumulated over the years some complaints as to the unjust nature of short series, wherein the regular season’s most successful club is not necessarily rewarded with the crown.  At the same time, the system as it is ensures that there will be some measure of tension and excitement down to the last weeks of the regular season (usually) and through all the fall games.

In recognition of the relentless, inescapable marketing success that is the 2016 US presidential election campaign — its heaving, swampy, and frankly hopeless depths sucking in the attention and will of nations around the globe — and furthermore of the incorruptible, universally-pleasing nature of the MLB All-Star selection process, as well as of the masterstroke opiate that is the illusion of participation, the national pastime will be shifting to a vote-based playoff.

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Yoenis Cespedes to Retire, Begin New Career

Far from the eyes of the press and with little attention at camp, Mets’ outfielder Yoenis Cespedes has gradually been easing his way into a retreat from baseball and the pursuit of a new life, an exclsuive interview has confirmed.  The announcement was made when Cespedes and licensed Disney property Noah Syndergaard arrived at camp on horseback, heralding the former’s entry into the world of the modern, humanitarian cowboy, which shall commence with a cattle drive over the summer months.

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BREAKING: Danny Espinosa Facial Hair Update

Nationals infielder Danny Espinosa, who arrived at spring training in 2015 with a mustache now enshrined eternally in myth by Banknotes Industries poet laureate Bradley Woodrum, has one-upped himself. Forever on a quest to outbid himself for the title of Best Facial Hair in Baseball, Espinosa has elevated his game once again for 2016.

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Also courtesy of wife Sara Espinosa, we have two more tiny glimpses of Danny’s Mountain Man attachment: Continue reading

Breaking: MLB to Institute New Rules for Sliding into Second Base

NEW YORK—Major League Baseball announced on Friday that it will soon implement new rules governing slides into second base — rules, it says, that “will keep our players safe and secure, and confident and happy, throughout the season and their careers.”

Set to take effect on Opening Day, the new rules come in response to injuries suffered late last season by Mets shortstop Ruben Tejada and Pirates shortstop Jung Ho Kang.

“If you watched those plays,” said newly appointed Rules Czar Softy McGee, “you realized, first, that the runners went way out of the baseline in efforts to upend the infielder, and, second, that they were being just really, really mean. Third, and more importantly, you realized that upon completion of the play, nobody was happy at all. Everybody was really sad-faced and serious, almost glum. In short, there was absolutely no joy in Mudville.

“Well, these new rules will change all that,” said McGee, adding, “for the better, I mean.”

First, said McGee, the runner is now required to slide directly into the base “and not way off to the side as if he were some awful UFC fighter moonlighting as a linebacker in the Arena Football League and leg-whipping the bejeezus out of some poor guy who — let’s be honest here — is really just trying to earn enough money to make payments on his stripper girlfriend’s Corolla while she goes to night school in efforts to become a sous chef.

“Seriously, that sort of thing just never does anyone any good at all. Put it this way: How are strippers supposed to get to school? On a bus? Oh my gracious, can you imagine?”

McGee shuddered.
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Donald Trump Names Jonathan Papelbon as Potential Secretary of State

papelbon_trumpAMES, Iowa (AP) — Donald Trump is considering naming major-league baseball player Jonathan Papelbon his Secretary of State, according to a rambling speech he gave at a town hall meeting here today.

“Jonathan is a man of great integrity,” Trump told an audience of approximately 450 people gathered at an auditorium on the campus of Iowa State University. “He calls ‘em like he sees ‘em and he’s not afraid to grab hold of the issues and shake ‘em up. He would make a great Secretary of State in my Cabinet.”

Papelbon made headlines recently by attempting to choke teammate Bryce Harper, after a brief shouting match. Papelbon was suspended for his role in the incident.

Attempts to contact Papelbon via phone and text message drew only the simple reply, “Trump’s great. Good luck to him.”

This is not the first time Donald Trump’s political campaign has been connected to a celebrity athlete. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, himself at the center of a firestorm of cheating allegations, said it “would be great” if Trump was elected president.

Trump elaborated on his position with reporters after the town hall meeting. “If you’re Iran, if you’re the mullahs and the ayatollahs, and you’re negotiating with Jonathan Papelbon, are you gonna mess around? No. You’re not gonna. Cuz you know that guy can call me and say, hey, Trump, time to throw me the nuclear football. Nobody messes with that.”

In a highly digressive answer, Trump went on to say, “Bette Midler is an extremely unattractive woman,” “I know you will enjoy reading my tax plan,” and, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

The West Bumgarner incident explained

west-bumgarner-92515As many of you may already know something strange happened last night in the Giants-Padres game. After yet another atrocious call from umpire, candy thief, cat kicker, and all around bad guy Joe West, MadBum let out a rather understandable frustrated yell. Instead of deciding to be a big boy about it and return to his position behind the plate quickly, the fart sniffing dinkdunking West chose to delay the game so that he could engage a man less then half his age, and in a subordinate position to him, in what appears to be a staring contest.

What you might not know is that this was not a random occurrence. In fact it was the first match up in the first round of the first annual Banknotes Harper Staring Contest Tournament. The winner of the tournament when all is said and done, will get a one year contract to serve as Banknotes personal INTIMIDATION MAN. Mainly serving to stare down opposing business men right before Banknotes himself swoops in to make the acquisition.

The winner of this round was Madison Bumgarner because Joe West is a ninny and I hate him.

Next match-up: FanGraphs Audio occasional guest Dave Cameron Vs. The Cookie Monster!

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