Fantasy Shut Up Week: Nachos and Beer

As we in the baseball world roll on through days of action in the Grapetus League (the alternative is at best pornish and in any case altogether unappealing), we are met with a curious pairing of these great stirrings of interest in the commencement of activity and a concomitant dearth of words to put to the rumble.  I mean, two teams just played to a tie yesterday, for cripes’ sakes.  (Incidentally, Von Snootington’s in the food court is serving crêpes and sake Friday.  Do avoid.)  Still, when Azure, that famous cricketer, comes down from the manic yet productive high of his “Texan snowblind” (peyote and cocaine) spree, he tends to get a bit whip-cracky, in the manner of a whip-cracker (not to be confused with Whip/Cracker, which refers to a member of the United States Congress).  Mostly it’s the interns who suffer, but if that isn’t their job, then by Jove for what do we not pay them?  We shall endeavor not to become overly incestuous in topic.

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The Offseason Intellectual Pursuits of Cole Hamels

November 30 – Offseason continues to bore me. Finished Theologico-Political Treatise. Now I must move on to the lesser works of Spinoza.

December 2 – Long phone chat with Noam Chomsky. Asked him about Wittgenstein’s beliefs on the relationship between physical and metaphysical. We confided in each other our doubts as to the existence of the universe. Brief chat on the centennial of relativity theory. He asked what spray-tan I use.

December 3 – Saw New York Philharmonic orchestra play Giacinto Scelsi, Boulez’s …explosante-fixe…,  and Mahler’s Das klagende Lied. Met Boulez afterwards. Tried to give him a bro hug but the French don’t do bro hugs.

Cole Hamels bro-hugging Pierre Boulez.

Cole Hamels bro-hugging Pierre Boulez.

December 5 – Some days I curl up in bed all day, watching reruns of The Bachelorette and wishing I could have met Jacques Derrida. He was born before his time, or was I born too late for mine? Today was especially bad. Had my agent create a picture of me with Derrida. Helps the fantasy. Continue reading

Your Labor Day Plans

Zombie Night logoOn Friday, September 4, the Kansas City Royals are hosting Zombie Night.

Experience a night of the undead at Kauffman Stadium on Friday, September 4 vs. Chicago White Sox as we host our first annual Zombie Night! Purchase this special Zombie Night discounted ticket package to receive an exclusive Royals Zombie bobblehead. We encourage all fans to come dressed up in family friendly Zombie attire and make-up.

You can buy group tickets, if you are a large group of zombies, or single tickets, which, if you are attending zombie night at a baseball stadium, is much more likely.

American Airlines is offering Labor Day weekend tickets to Kansas City for as low as $99 from its hubs.

“I can’t make it,” you say, “but I still want a Royals zombie bobblehead.” Good news: they’ve done this before, and you can grab a shockingly expensive Royal Zombie figurine on Amazon.

Royal Zombie

That’s not Bruce Chen.

The Arizona Diamondbacks hosted a Zombie Night in 2014. But that’s the past, and this is the future. I’m going to go buy a Shaun work uniform and spatter it with fake blood, so I can carry a cricket bat around, tell people they’ve got red on them, and not act like a zombie. The rest of the weekend I’ll hang out at the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum and eat barbecue. Who’s coming with me???

P.S. Someone tell Bill Murray so we can shoot him.