Fantasy Shut Up Week: Nachos and Beer

As we in the baseball world roll on through days of action in the Grapetus League (the alternative is at best pornish and in any case altogether unappealing), we are met with a curious pairing of these great stirrings of interest in the commencement of activity and a concomitant dearth of words to put to the rumble.  I mean, two teams just played to a tie yesterday, for cripes’ sakes.  (Incidentally, Von Snootington’s in the food court is serving crêpes and sake Friday.  Do avoid.)  Still, when Azure, that famous cricketer, comes down from the manic yet productive high of his “Texan snowblind” (peyote and cocaine) spree, he tends to get a bit whip-cracky, in the manner of a whip-cracker (not to be confused with Whip/Cracker, which refers to a member of the United States Congress).  Mostly it’s the interns who suffer, but if that isn’t their job, then by Jove for what do we not pay them?  We shall endeavor not to become overly incestuous in topic.

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Top 5 Fantasy Sleepers for 2015

Keep an eye on Felix Hernandez this Fantasy season!

Keep an eye on Felix Hernandez this Fantasy season!

The Banknotes Industries Fantasy Fortnight continues as fantasy baseball expert and renown guy Bradley Woodrum counts down the Top 10 Fantasy Sleepers as of 2015:

5. SP Scott Baker, free agent:

Once a stalwart piece to a steady Twins rotation, Scott Baker has struggled to stay afloat in the league since undergoing Tommy John Surgery in 2012. Reports have surfaced, however, that Baker has actually been asleep since the surgery, explaining the sudden drop in performance post-injury.

Many Fantasy owners might dismiss Baker as another Weekend at Bernie’s type situation, but don’t just assume he doesn’t have Fantasy eligibility just yet! Clubhouse insiders are saying Baker actually used a sleeping potion as apposed to normal or scifi anesthetics before the TJS procedure, which makes him eligible in most Fantasy formats.

If he wakes up and signs with a team, look out!

4. OF Mallex Smith, Braves:

Not many baseball fans will recognize the name Mallex Smith, but ask them to name the three-man party that slayed the Lvl. 52 Weeze Troll on Plenne Beach, and they’ll no doubt mention Paladin Smith. Well, despite being hit with a sleeping spell in the Kinderfrost Forest, Mallex and company are marching to the majors, and he very well could make a impact for your fantasy team as either a magic-heavy paladin or a speedy fourth outfielder.

3. SP Felix Hernandez, Mariners:

Hernandez is a name synonymous with Cy Young-level production and steady health. But reports this summer indicate he has had recurring dreams about living in a county called Squire’s Hearthland, a mystical mountainscape besieged by the mysterious forces of Wizard Leung-Song.

Inside sources indicate Hernandez and those close to him are growing concerned these are more than just dreams, and that Hernandez is now stuck in a trans-dimensional quandary, and must defeat Leung-Song before he can return to a normal life on earth.

2. UT Porridge Portley, all teams:

Since when does a planet-sized hedgehog play baseball? Well, as soon as he awakes from his earthly slumber, of course! Experts predict Portley, who built a sleeping crust around himself and allowed human space travellers to settle on that crust many millions of years ago, will soon rise from his terrestrial bed and toss his continental sheets into the sun, forever extinguishing earth-human life. That should make him eligible at least as a DH in most Fantasy leagues, and possibly as a starting pitcher.

1. SP Rubby de la Rosa, Diamondbacks:

De la Rosa had the 20th highest swinging strike rate (11.1%) among qualified pitchers in 2015, and yet finished the season with just an 18.5% K-rate and a total of 0.3 WAR. If de la Rosa — who is very much still a young pitcher — can keep that swinging strike rate up, expect the results to follow.

And as a young starter with swing-and-miss potential and a high prospect pedigree, it is a surprise to see his average draft position in the mid 300s and his auction value around the $2.50 range. Look for de la Rosa to be a key fantasy sleeper this season.

Banknotes Industries Fantasy Week, Continued! (Basically to the Point That it’s Fantasy Fortnight!)


Following the unprecedented success of Banknotes Industries’ inaugural Fantasy Week, the BNI Management Team has taken leave of its aromatherapy just long enough to make this announcement: We are hereby in search of a new themed week, i.e., five working days (or, in France, three) in which to ply readers with the literary equivalent of 8.5 liters of bootleg absinthe.

Before we explore the exciting possibilities for the aforementioned theme, however, allow us to offer by way of illustration the reason for this mercantile effort: In a nutshell, we made so much wampum during Fantasy Week — what with the ads and the new subscriptions — that we were able, without financing, to replace the old BNI yacht with a new BNI yacht, this one with hydraulic ejection tubes for when we’ve grown tired of our latest masseuses.

Thooooomp! Trust us, it’s even more fun than it sounds.
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Banknotes Industries Fantasy Week: A Retrospective


Were you out of town and/or country? Were you vacationing under a rock? Is there some other reason — a bout of bubonic plague; a temporary fit of humor blindness; a stint in jail for “a crime you didn’t commit, at least not by yourself” — that you missed or otherwise ignored BNI Fantasy Week? Fear not, overdue reader. I am here with a helpful recap.

To wit:

The mysterious John Paschal got things started with a short introductory post, which, perhaps appropriately, nobody read. It might have mentioned something about his dream of managing the Victoria’s Secret All-Stars to an extra-innings defeat of the Swedish Bikini Team in a winner-take-all — the winner being the manager, obviously — showdown broadcast on Cinemax. I’m not sure. Paschal wrote it, sure, but even he didn’t read it.

Paschal, a dual-threat author/character who also goes by the names “he,” “I” and “hey, dumbass,” continued the trend of publishing horizontal strings of words by posting a longform piece about war letters written by former Houston Astro Morgan Ensberg.

“Joey from Jersey and Billy Roy from Mississippi couldn’t be more different,” Ensberg wrote, presumably from the front lines, “because one of them is dead and the other isn’t.”
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Baseball Fantasies Guide 2016: The MLB’s Hottest Pitchers

Welcome to Part II of our survey of the hottest, hunkiest, and most totes adorbs players in baseball. Yesterday, we looked at position players; today we’re considering pitchers and selecting a team manager.

As a reminder, to compile this position-by-position guide to the MLB’s hottest players, I turned to male attractiveness experts (and real-life friends) Anna, Elisa, Michelle, Natalie, and Sarah, interviewing them over Google Chat. Their Gchat and email commentary is interspersed throughout the analysis below.

Starting Rotation


First of all, starting pitchers as a group seem to be the hottest position around. I mean, for one thing, even as a straight man, I can barely handle the picture above this blurb. Shit, man. Those guys are gorgeous.

I asked four of my five scouts to name a #1 fantasy pick (Sarah’s not a baseball fan and forgot everybody’s names within minutes). Elisa chose Bryce Harper and the other three named starting pitchers, a powerful trio of hunkiness aces.

The rotation is also dominated by current or former Texas Rangers. C.J. Wilson is Michelle’s #1 overall fantasy draft pick, edging out Yu Darvish because “CJ’s ass is better than Yu’s.” And then we have the newest Ranger, Natalie’s #1 pick. To quote Sarah, “GIVE ME SOME COLE HAMELS.” Continue reading

Fantasy Island Redux: A Postmodern Fable

Fantasy Island




On the shores of a fertile tropical island, a pair of ambiguously Latino men — one tall and one short, both in sharp white suits — gaze pleasantly at the clear blue sky above them.



Tattoo, an adorable dwarf, focuses on an incoming seaplane while ringing a big brass bell.

Ze plane! Ze plane!



The seaplane glides gracefully into a smooth water landing; the passengers disembark.



Tattoo and the taller man, Mr. Roarke, gaze at the passengers stepping to the dock.

And who is he, boss?



A man, alone, steps to the dock carrying his belongings in a Wonder Bread bag.




Tattoo, that is Mr. John Paschal, from America.


America, boss? So … why is he wearing overalls and a straw hat? And why is he barefoot?


Ah. Well, Tattoo, the answer is that he is less from America than he is from Texas.

TATTOO (wincing)

Say no more, boss.


Sadly, Tattoo, I do not have to.


Mr. Paschal looks around, shrugs and proceeds to urinate in the sand.



TATTOO (shaking his head)

And what is Mr. Paschal’s fantasy, boss? To attend finishing school? To learn some manners?

MR. ROARKE (smiling wanly at Tattoo)

No, Tattoo, Mr. Paschal’s fantasy is, as he puts it, to hit a big league curveball just once.

TATTOO (nodding slowly)

And what happens if Mr. Paschal achieves his dream, boss? Will he find contentment?

MR. ROARKE (pursing his lips, looking at Tattoo and then at Mr. Paschal)

Tattoo, you know as well as I that the theme of this show is “be careful what you wish for.”

TATTOO (shooting a look at his boss)

Boss, is it not better to show the theme than simply to tell it?

MR. ROARKE (smiling knowingly)

Yes, Tattoo, in most instances that is the case. It is usually preferable to show than to tell.

TATTOO (nodding in agreement)

Yes, boss. For example, here’s what I think of your making me wash dishes.

Tattoo lifts his right hand and extends his otherwise adorable middle finger.

MR. ROARKE (nodding again)

That’s the spirit, Tattoo. In this case, however, it is better to tell. After all, this program is debuting on MoronTV, a spinoff from Bravo. We’ve found it’s best to get to the point.

TATTOO (nodding in agreement, as if he sees the light)

So, be careful what you wish for, eh?

MR. ROARKE (smiling in satisfaction, as if a teacher with a receptive student)

Right, Tattoo. For example: You wish you were taller. But if you were taller, you would not be on this show. Let’s be clear: You’re not a good actor. Your size is your lone advantage.

TATTOO (shooting a look at Mr. Roarke)

{Bleep} you.

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Fantasy Week! How to Draft Your Fantasy, Team

Though the frost of whorish winter still paints your nose red, yet spring is nigh, and if you’re a dedicated follower of popular engagement, that means you are ready to remain in-a-doors, shivering in dread of offending your allergies, and cracking your knuckles with delicate demonstration in preparedness for the fantasy season to come.

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Baseball Fantasies Guide 2016: The MLB’s Hottest Hitters

Fantasy baseball? More like baseball fantasies. With Opening Day coming up, it’s time for you to study up on the hottest, hunkiest, and most totes adorbs players in baseball.

To compile this position-by-position guide to the MLB’s hottest players, I turned to male attractiveness experts (and real-life friends) Anna, Elisa, Michelle, Natalie, and Sarah, interviewing them over Google Chat. Their Gchat and email commentary is interspersed throughout the analysis below.

This post lists position players and the Designated Hitter. Stay tuned for Part II: Pitchers!



There’s not a lot of depth at the catching position. After the undeniable good looks of J.P. Arencibia, scouts are divided on the rest of the crop. Of Yan Gomes, Sarah says he “looks a) objectively kind of attractive but also b) possibly kind of stupid.”

Buster Posey is traditionally ranked high, but only two of our scouts were impressed. The culprit: his chin. (For contrast, take Anthony Recker: “#datjawline”.) Also, as Michelle says of Posey, “his smile makes me want to put him in a light gray suit and have him lead Sunday school. He’s way too clean and innocent-looking for me to think he’s hot.” Continue reading

Fantasy Fantasy Fantasy Fantasy

It’s Fantasy Week here at BNI, which means these electronic pages will soon be filled with fantasy articles which are both thoughtful and excellent, and at at least one of which inspired me to search the internet for nude pictures of Morganna. This article, however, is neither thoughtful nor excellent – rather, it is the exact opposite, as I feel a perverse duty to lower the average quality of content on this site below whatever the journalistic equivalent of the Mendoza Line is, thereby simultaneously making the other writers look brilliant by comparison and making them embarrassed to share space with me (whether you search for any nude pictures is up to you). What follows, then, like a malignant tumor on the colon of Fantasy Week, is my fantasy (as in an imagined ideal) fantasy (as in fantasy baseball) fantasy (as in the genre containing dragons) draft fantasy (as in a pleasant daydream). I’m 90% sure that made sense.

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