Dirty Baseball

Pursuant to the recommendations of a Marketing Department exploration that concluded firstly that some of you remain snowbound and secondly that none of you is female, we contracted out the following piece, penned under a pseudonym too clever to print, for publication that it might address both issues at once with its steam-generating heat.

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KICB: Sports Talk Iowa


Ray: What’s up people, this is Sports Talk Iowa, KICB, home of the Fort Dodge Musketeers, I’m your host, Ray Cleaves, on the air with you until the top of the hour, coming off a disappointing loss to Chatsville to open the homestand, wasting a stellar effort from Navarro in his first start back from the disabled list, going six strong innings allowing just two runs. The Musketeers bullpen woes continue, with Davis giving up a bases-clearing double to Carlos Torres in the top of the eighth after Penbroke walked the bases loaded with nobody out to start the frame. Just a reminder that when the Musketeers lose at home, Anderson and Sons Security Systems remind that you that you don’t have to lose your home to a home burglary. With state-of-the-art features like motion detectors, pressure sensors, and infrared cameras, no threat goes undetected. You and your family can sleep soundly know that Anderson and Sons are always watching. Anderson and Sons: It only takes one.

I’m about to open up the phone lines in just a minute, but first I want to remind our listeners that fan appreciation night is tomorrow night so head on over to section G of the parking lot before the game and say hi to us at the KICB booth where we will be grilling vegan hot dogs courtesy of my producer Danielle and not me. I know the fans do a great job all year, always listening and calling in and supporting the station, and we here at the station want to join the Musketeers in saying a big thank-you. Come by and stuff your gullet with delicious meat-free dogs – no really, we will have more than we could possibly know what to do with. I might set up some games, how about hot dog juggling? How many of these hearty weiners can you keep in the air at once? Or pin the meatless hot dog tail on the donkey? Danielle is shaking her head. I’ll make sure it’s a vegan donkey. I’m sorry Dani, they are great, I’m sure everyone loves them.

Alright we have some callers queued up, while we wait for Dave to come back from the clubhouse let’s go to the phones and take a call, we have Steve on line three, go ahead Steve you’re on the air. Continue reading

Mediocre Moments in Technical Difficulties


As most of you are aware, Game 1 of the 2015 World Series (last night, doofus) featured a curious interlude, during which it appeared that play was upheld due to the technical failures of the national broadcast, provided by FOX, home of ruining everything, on the reasoning that MLB was reliant on the technical aspects of said broadcast functioning competently for the purposes of reviewing plays, until the managers of both teams — managers of baseball teams, whom we regularly mock for their foolish decisions, mind you — served as the voices of sagacity and said they’d like to keep playing, please, and they really didn’t mind surrending the privilege of replay, and all that, for fuck’s sakes.

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A Look Back: the All-Star Game of 1942


As this year’s action wraps up, we look back to an All-Star contest from a more tumultuous time: the War Years. With so many stars of the Majors on active duty, others were called upon to participate in the Midsummer Classic — and this they did, often with a gusto and gravity that outshone the more leisurely approach of the professional ballplayers. Today we examine the tilt of 1942 in particular: a crucial moment in sporting history. The season had begun rough all around: Germany had struggled through their first road-trip of the year, but as the weather warmed they were picking up steam and looked to roll confidently into the series at Stalingrad behind the bat of Paulus and the glove of von Manstein. Japan, meanwhile, got off to a hot start through the Philippines, but had given up a lot of runs in the games at Midway and lost a key player. America and Britain were endeavoring to reorganize after dropping several North African showdowns in a row, while the USSR braced for the upcoming visit from their longtime foes. But all these plans were put on hold as umpires were summoned from Switzerland and Turkey, and each team’s top performers got together on the diamond. To many, the All-Star game of 1942 was a pivotal point in the rivalry between the Allied and Axis Leagues. Continue reading

Cardinals vs. Patriots Charity Softball: Game Summary

A Brady Softball

St. Louis Cardinals vs. New England Patriots Charity Softball Game 06/21/15

Top 1

Matt Carpenter hacks into Do It For The Children Charity Softball.com database, changes pop-fly out to shortstop LaGarrette Blount into double (1) on a sharp line drive to left fielder Julian Edelman. Kolten Wong scores. STL 1 – NE 0.

Kolten Wong uses password that Matt Carpenter obtained to re-enter Do It For The Children Charity Softball.com database. Kolten Wong scores again. STL 2 – NE 0.

Bottom 1

Tom Brady replaces regulation Do It For The Children Charity Softball softball with super-bouncy SuperBall and homers (1) on a deep fly ball into parking lot beyond left-field bleachers. Julian Edelman scores. LaGarrette Blount scores. STL 2 – NE 3.

Top 4

Jhonny Peralta sneaks into Patriots locker room, steals pitcher Tom Brady’s pitch-sequence notes, triples (1) on a sharp line drive to center fielder Danny Amendola. Yadier Molina scores. Jon Jay scores. STL 4 – NE 3.

Bottom 5

Tom Brady uses advanced scientific method to inflate his balls with testosterone, homers (2) on a sharp line drive into building beyond right-field bleachers. Rob Gronkowski scores. Patrick Chung scores. Office worker Jimmy Duncan dies. STL 4 – NE 5.

Top 7

Mark Reynolds tunnels into Patriots dugout, eavesdrops on manager Bill Belichick and pitching coach Matt Patricia, uses information to double (1) on a sharp line drive to right fielder Brandon LaFell. Jason Heyward scores. Bill Belichick scowls. STL 5 – NE 5.

Bottom 7

Tom Brady attends charity ball, returns to game, stands in batter’s box, inflates story of balling wife Gisele Bundchen in the coat closet (when in fact they held hands and talked about that trip to Rio) and so impresses catcher Yadier Molina that Yadier Molina informs Tom Brady that a high pitch is coming, homers (3) on a deep fly ball to ball collector Zack Hampel. Jerod Mayo scores. Zack Hampel updates Instagram account. STL 5 – NE 7.

Top 8

Jon Jay hacks into Tom Brady’s email account, forwards email (topic: the government is behind it) from his Uncle Roy to entire contact list, waits for Tom Brady to answer angry calls and thus become so upset that he throws a fat pitch, homers (1) on a deep fly ball to left field. Randal Grichuk scores. Uncle Roy does interview on Fox News. STL 7 – NE 7.

Bottom 8

Bill Belichick enters locker room, reviews covertly recorded video of a Carlos Villanueva bullpen session, passes information to team, Julian Edelman homers (1) on deep fly ball to Zack Hampel. Zack Hampel gives ball to kid sitting next to him. Kid throws ball back onto field. STL 7 – NE 8.

Top 9

Michael Wacha hacks into Tom Brady’s laptop, steals credit card information, makes $69,690.69 of vintage-porn purchases in the name of Tom Brady, waits for Gisele Bundchen to place angry calls to Tom Brady and for Tom Brady to become so upset that he throws a fat pitch, homers (1) on deep fly ball to kid in left-field bleachers. Zack Hampel steals ball from kid. Zack Hampel says he’s not giving it back. Zack Hampel tweets photo of himself not giving it back. Matt Carpenter scores. STL 9 – NE 8.

Bottom 9

Tom Brady begins to cry and inflates bawl so greatly that pitcher Trevor Rosenthal feels sympathetic and throws a fat pitch, homers (4) on a sharp line drive into Zack Hampel’s balls. Zack Hampel’s balls (2) inflate. Kid sitting next to Zack Hampel sends out Instagram of Zack Hampel’s inflated balls, gets 18.2 million likes. STL 9 – NE 9.

Game called because Do It For The Children charity account hacked into, donations stolen. Note: Investigators discover that donation figures inflated, to $275,000 from $2.75.