New Hire, No Orientation

If you were like me you would have the inside scoop as to the conclusion of B.W. Reinhart’s unfinishable opus noir that originally appeared on these pages, but you are not and as such are left to wonder to what startling and assuredly orgasmic cut of Atropos the narrative threads were leading.  Among your pursuing dreams is the fantasy that base-baller and noble savage Jayson Werth, who appeared in a latter chapter, would eventually join the staff at Banknotes Industries to further our shared greatness.

Awake and arise, gentle fool, for it is so!

jaydubonthemic

Strike here with thy cursor (and watch at least the first 30 seconds), an thou hast not already seen — or, yea, e’en if thou hast — the good fellow on his first assignment, wherein shortly after gracefully killing several Philadelphia Phillies with his hands he transitions into the journalistic engagement of associating a player with a nickname in the old-fashioned way.  We are not opposed to said practice when it is so deftly done.

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Banknotes Industrie’s Ian Kennedy stat tracker

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Earlier in the spring Royals manager Ned Yost gave an interview on what he was hoping to see from new acquisition Ian Kennedy. The often fiery skipper set some lofty goals.

“”What am I hoping to see? I’m hoping to see a no-hitter every time he steps on the mound. I’d like to see him win 40 games and break the record. That’s what I’m hoping for. I’d like to see him get 1,000 strikeouts this year.”

Lofty goals indeed.

This season at Banknotes we’ll be bringing monthly updates on Kennedy’s quest to meet his skipper’s expectations. Based on previous performance it seems unlikely since Kennedy has never reached the 30 win threshold, and not even come close to 500 K’s, but the Royals do have a tendency of making magic happen.

Fantasy Shut Up Week: Nachos and Beer

As we in the baseball world roll on through days of action in the Grapetus League (the alternative is at best pornish and in any case altogether unappealing), we are met with a curious pairing of these great stirrings of interest in the commencement of activity and a concomitant dearth of words to put to the rumble.  I mean, two teams just played to a tie yesterday, for cripes’ sakes.  (Incidentally, Von Snootington’s in the food court is serving crêpes and sake Friday.  Do avoid.)  Still, when Azure, that famous cricketer, comes down from the manic yet productive high of his “Texan snowblind” (peyote and cocaine) spree, he tends to get a bit whip-cracky, in the manner of a whip-cracker (not to be confused with Whip/Cracker, which refers to a member of the United States Congress).  Mostly it’s the interns who suffer, but if that isn’t their job, then by Jove for what do we not pay them?  We shall endeavor not to become overly incestuous in topic.

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Yoenis Cespedes to Retire, Begin New Career

Far from the eyes of the press and with little attention at camp, Mets’ outfielder Yoenis Cespedes has gradually been easing his way into a retreat from baseball and the pursuit of a new life, an exclsuive interview has confirmed.  The announcement was made when Cespedes and licensed Disney property Noah Syndergaard arrived at camp on horseback, heralding the former’s entry into the world of the modern, humanitarian cowboy, which shall commence with a cattle drive over the summer months.

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After the Winter Meetings

Although the Winter Meetings have concluded, the “hot stove” action hasn’t ceased, the following items representing just a few of those that have been, one assumes, “cooked up” in MLB this month, some or nearly all of which may be largely original.

Giants Acquire Frazier. The San Francisco Giants have snagged the services of Wendell Frazier, who will take over as Maintenance Supervisor, to oversee operations and act as liaison between the organization and the agencies it contracts for maintenance services.  Over an eleven-year career, Frazier has distinguished himself with his ability to go above and beyond assigned duties, assisting in conference room setup/breakdown, answering the phones, and helping employees remember on what level of the parking garage they parked.  He spent the last five years with the Pirates, becoming a free agent as that club attempts to shed off-field payroll.

Astros Ink Gallardo. The same joke as above, but with, let’s say, Hector Gallardo.

Mets and Twins Complete Trade. Terms were finalized between HR Departmental Finances Administrator Katherine Podsolski (MIN) and Public Relations Assistant Rebecca Donnelly (NYM) in a deal to exchange husbands.  Analysts agree the swap is beneficial for both sides, as Donnelly acquires the veteran stability she has been seeking, while Podsolski gets younger at a key position.

Heyward Signs in St. Louis. After he purchased lunch for himself and friends at ajasonheywardcounter-service establishment in downtown St. Louis, OF Jason Heyward was asked by employee Mitch Franklin to sign the receipt, as protocol demanded such for all purchases in which the bill exceeds $25.

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Articles We Would Have Written Last Week . . .

. . . but that the staff was having relations with the reader’s corpulent and unfashionably promiscuous mother.

1. Recap of the first week of NFL action.  In which we would present coverage of the MLB games that were played in the week coinciding with “Week 1″ of NFL play.  This would have been the “joke.”

2. The NL MVP and ROY discussion.  Wherein we would have entertained like our colleagues of other outlets the quite reasonable debate over these very meaningful items.  Ultimately, we determined this to be beneath even this site.

3. The AL MUPP and ROY discussion.  Wherein we would offer discourse upon small-town convenience-store proprietor Al Mupp and his dog, Roy, who appear together in a nice photograph on the wall of the store behind the counter.  It turned out to be a very short item.

4. Introducing our newest writer.  In which we would have announced the hiring of our newest, and apparently canuquois, content producer and provided a profile thereof, including his measurements, turn-ons, and turn-offs.

5. From the police blotter.  Detailing the recent arrest by federal agents and arraignment of notorious racketeer Gianetto “Blue Johnny” Pasquale, who had been hiding out in Texas under an assumed name: Brian Reinhart.

6. The Preamble to the United States Constitution.  We wrote up a nice introductory bit for the rather famous document, but it turns out somebody else beat us to the job.

7. Frank Gifford surrounded by franks and .gif images of Ford automobiles.  In which we would attempt to broaden our demographic appeal to include fans of American football, hotdogs, ancient Germanic tribes, and motorcars.

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Introduce Myself? Right On.

Having been advised that pursuant to contractual obligations I am expected to provide an introductory post prior to presenting material of substance both nitty and gritty, so as not to startle the delicate and cervine readership: I here so do.

I am Casey Singer.  I was brought on board by Banknotes Industries after the acquisition of the Iranian Royal Motorcade Insurance CDS property but before the offloading of the SDI venture funding rights.  I worked my way from the mail room to the press room, principally by use of the hallway, stopping at the water fountain along the way.  When BNI levered its bulk into the baseball business writing business, I was brought along as someone who could help carry the boxes.  I would have appeared sooner, but due to a clerical error my first assignment involved investigating market volatility precipitating from Austria-Hungary’s handling of the Serbian Question.  As it happens, the principle, even were he not 101 years dead this week, graded out as a 30 Power guy with little patience.

My new orders, lately received from the Head Office, instruct me to make consumable to the loyal (and otherwise) Banknotariate a work of fiction that is “like The Old Man and the Sea but less obviously about investing.”  The endeavor shall be serialized; even so, its separate elements will no doubt prove lengthier than the typical post, which, along with the site layout in general, I take to be formatted in the main for best appearance on the cellular phone (presumably upheld while the other hand strokes one’s beard and one’s feet pedal furiously into oncoming traffic), the whole matter suggesting an experimental context, albeit with fewer volatile gases.

Early next week, as you are staggering back into the waking world, dragging wearily from under the leaden and placental haze of celebrated freedom (for you are all American), the first installment will appear.  Tell your friends.  Make friends and then tell them.  Tell your enemies to tell their friends.  I will see you all there.

Paschal Makes Headlines Two Days in a Row

A Typist

BANKNOTESVILLE—After watching ambidextrous A’s pitcher Pat Venditte toss 3.1 innings of scoreless ball in the past five days, including a three-up-three-down ninth inning against the Texas Rangers last night, the management team at Banknotes Industries has announced that ambidextrous writer John Paschal will remain in the writing rotation.

“Ambidextrous performers – or, as we like to call them, ‘ambidexterians’ – are hot right now, and we just want to keep striking while the iron is on,” said BNI managing editor Ghost Of William Wordsworth. “Seeing Venditte last night was like a sign from God Shammgod. Remember that guy? God Shammgod! I mean, what are the freakin’ odds?

“In any event, we believe that Mr. Paschal’s ability to type with both hands – often at the same time – will continue to serve as an asset for us here at Banknotes Industries. It is a known fact that a lot of sentences in the English language demand the use of not one but all hands when they are typed on a standard QWERTY-style computer keyboard.

“As an example, I can tell you that Mr. Paschal is typing the very sentence that you are now reading, and if not for his ability to type with both hands at once, the sentence would have read thusly: mpl, I n ll you h M. Phl I ypin h y nn h you unly in… et cetera, or thusly: As an exae, ca te tat r asca s tg t ever setece tat are crret read… et cetera.

“Here I’d like to add,” added Ghost Of William Wordsworth, “that I truly appreciate Mr. Paschal’s ability to type verbatim what must have been an extremely difficult passage to understand. All those bizarre, italicized sounds? Yeesh. Quite a performance!

“And frankly, it’s just the type – ha! no pun intended! – of performance we need. After all, when it comes to serious baseball journalism, we don’t tolerate mstaks.”