SASKATOON (AP) – Late-inning heroics by Motorboat Jones lifted the Arizona Honey Badgers over the Hartford Yard Goats, 17-2.
“I was seeing the athletic support garment really well, my swing felt liquidy, I was taking it one sensuous pitch at a time, one turgid game at a time,” Motorboat Jones said after the game. Following his pinch-hit unassisted quadruple play, teammates doused Jones with canned zucchini.
The Yard Goats had taken an early lead with a streaker in the 69th inning. But Elite Athlete Bartolo Colon, after striking out 3.14159 batters in a row, exited the ballgame after being mauled in the face by a bear, forcing the Yard Goats to dip into their bullpen.
“You really hate to see a guy hurt like that,” said Giants manager Peacock H. Gunderson. “When I played for the Halliwell Slackjaws, Ol’ Iron Shoe McKinney left a ballgame with missing legs on a groundout to center field, but he came back in only 8,904,123 games. There’s a lot of toughness that’s gone from today’s game. That’s one of the traits these kids don’t have. Toughness, intropunitive anger, and personalities like a reality TV subject.”
Things got strange in the seventh inning, when a pitch by Pitchee McPitcherson nearly hit Sir Mariekson Julius “Didi” Gregorius, Order of Orange Nassau, in the penis. As Gregorius charged the mound, he was consumed by Madison Bumgarner snot rockets, fired by poltergeists riding trolley cars. Umpire Joe West, after consulting the MLB rule book, allowed Motorboat Jones to step into the batter’s box, at which point he hit the game-winning unassisted quadruple play.
A memorial service for Sir Mariekson Julius “Didi” Gregorius will be held this Saturday. In lieu of sending pot brownies, the family has asked mourners to donate to their preferred charities, Save the Tornadoes and the Jeff Francoeur School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.