Game Summary Mad Libs!

Motorboat Jones

Real, genuine, actual baseball card for Eugene “Motorboat” Jones.

SASKATOON (AP) – Late-inning heroics by Motorboat Jones lifted the Arizona Honey Badgers over the Hartford Yard Goats, 17-2.

“I was seeing the athletic support garment really well, my swing felt liquidy, I was taking it one sensuous pitch at a time, one turgid game at a time,” Motorboat Jones said after the game. Following his pinch-hit unassisted quadruple play, teammates doused Jones with canned zucchini.

The Yard Goats had taken an early lead with a streaker in the 69th inning. But Elite Athlete Bartolo Colon, after striking out 3.14159 batters in a row, exited the ballgame after being mauled in the face by a bear, forcing the Yard Goats to dip into their bullpen.

“You really hate to see a guy hurt like that,” said Giants manager Peacock H. Gunderson. “When I played for the Halliwell Slackjaws, Ol’ Iron Shoe McKinney left a ballgame with missing legs on a groundout to center field, but he came back in only 8,904,123 games. There’s a lot of toughness that’s gone from today’s game. That’s one of the traits these kids don’t have. Toughness, intropunitive anger, and personalities like a reality TV subject.”

Things got strange in the seventh inning, when a pitch by Pitchee McPitcherson nearly hit Sir Mariekson Julius “Didi” Gregorius, Order of Orange Nassau, in the penis. As Gregorius charged the mound, he was consumed by Madison Bumgarner snot rockets, fired by poltergeists riding trolley cars. Umpire Joe West, after consulting the MLB rule book, allowed Motorboat Jones to step into the batter’s box, at which point he hit the game-winning unassisted quadruple play.

A memorial service for Sir Mariekson Julius “Didi” Gregorius will be held this Saturday. In lieu of sending pot brownies, the family has asked mourners to donate to their preferred charities, Save the Tornadoes and the Jeff Francoeur School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Mad Libs, Part Deux

As requested by eager readers, it’s time for another round of Mad Libs! Please submit your urgent ballots to the comments section below, where United Nations election monitors will be ensuring a smooth democratic process.

Following time-honored tradition, I will fill out the Mad Lib news story (which has already been written) by arbitrarily choosing my favorite answers from your votes. Results will be posted on Monday, a.k.a. Memorial Day.

Begin! Scroll down and/or click the “Continue Reading” link to see the ballot! Continue reading

Minor League Mad Libs

Banknotaries, your responses to my call for mad libs were ingenious. Narrowing down the field was nigh-impossible, and I encourage you to browse through the ballots. Now without further ado:

Rising Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim prospect Nixon Petunia is a spunky bet to crack the majors as a backup catcher. With grit, pretentiousness, the ability to never shower but still smell good, and a fondness for anything to do with Edith Piaf, plus off-the-charts skill in projectile vomiting, he could put a major mark on the Angels at the major league level.

At one recent game I lactated, Nixon Petunia stood out by delousing the ball to waaay back there field. He flips the baseball bat with impotence, and likes to boink opponents. He has a propensity for G7 summit meetings with the other team, which caused one pitcher to throw a train at his head during the 69th inning of a recent contest. Benches cleared, and 69 people were suspended for snorkeling.

Petunia could be useful for fantasy players because of his skills at naked sledding and intelligible flatulence, and because he could put up as many as 900 POOPS (Pop Outs On Partial Swings) in the course of three Hobbit movies. With potential like that, Nixon Petunia could be the next Cannonball Titcomb.

Cannonball Titcomb

In case you didn’t know.

Time for Mad Libs!

That’s right, everyone. Step right up to the comments section and submit your Mad Libs ballot. You can fillĀ as many or as few blanks as you like, and I’ll choose my favorites and/or the most objectively hilarious. The story goes up Monday.

1. Real MLB team
2. US President
3. Type of flower
4. Adjective
5. Real baseball position Continue reading