Other Events Marlins Man Has Attended

Marlins Man attends the World Series, the Kentucky Derby, the NBA Finals, and nearly every other major sporting event. But hardworking researchers in the Banknotes Industries Department of Investigative Interns have uncovered evidence of Marlins Man attending a series of other interesting events through history:

Marlins Man at the 1972 Democratic Convention

Marlins Man in the Illinois delegation at the 1972 Democratic Convention

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Kawasaki to the Rescue

As the world descended into to chaos, one man dared be more.

As the world descended into to chaos, one man dared be more.

Here comes this Monday without David Bowie —
still trying to figure out where last Monday went.
So let’s talk about baseball,
let’s talk about lineups and sesame seeds and bleachers.
Spring Training is around the corner,
and so what if my team doesn’t look like a champ’s?
So what if my favorite player is a free agent scrub?

All the eagles are dying,
all the starmen are gone,
I, we — all of us — need good news.

And like a thunderstorm on parched crops,
like a righteous lightning bolt into a god’s hammer,
like the white-steaded hero charging through the smoke,
Muni signs with Chicago.

God is in heaven,
and he’s a Cubs fan.

Original image credit: Leo Leibelman.

Now Mike Trout’s Trash Can and Urn

troutcanLike the prior post in form, but for those who have some difficulty with organizing initial consonants (although not to the extent that a Bike Mount appears in the can), but also unlike the prior post in content, in that it is completely unrelated, this one is to inform the readership that I am presently departing for the Arctic and/or Antarctic to rescue a portion of the staff, along with uncompensated employees, time permitting, from alligators and/or narcotic fugues and/or the self-absorption of Red Sox fans that blinds them to the fact everyone else sees them as little different from Yankee fans — the same sense of entitlement, only less pompous and more whiny — and that while I am not sporting plus-fours my blade is keen and my violence immortal, so a good time shall be had by all and even the dead, which in the end is to say that proper posting shall resume shortly.

“Serbian to Vietnamese to French,” Illustrated

Over the past few months, a commenter on FanGraphs named “Serbian to Vietnamese to French and back” has been translating trolls’ posts exactly as his/her username indicates, then responding to the trolls with the translations.

Below, I have honored Serbian to Vietnamese to French and back’s work by illustrating some signature phrases from his/her oeuvre, the better to help you imagine these scenes.

The Text: “If there are large rocks that surround Votto, why not? Because I think that the definition of success is success”

The Illustration: There Are Large Rocks That Surround Votto

Surprise installment of Men Surrounded by Things

Surprise installment of Men Surrounded by Things

The Text: “In his evasive move it to the light, that those in the closet.”

The Illustration: Rafael Soriano’s Evasive Move to the Light


The Text: “Why burn through so many dogs end up with walking, or so?” Continue reading

Terry Francona Surrounded by Outshine Fruit Grape Popsicles

I like to overeat. I have a package of prosciutto di parma on my counter right now so I can eat 7-8 slices for breakfast. By the time you read this electronically-pre-scheduled posting, I will be in Montreal, devouring bags of bagels and wheelbarrows of poutine.

But one thing I have never done is eat 17 popsicles in one sitting. Terry Francona, manager of the Cleveland Indians, achieved this feat in June:

Francona was asked how many he had the other night. Here’s his full answer, and the full tale of their love story.

“I had 17 the other night. No, that’s not a lie. They’re healthy, so if one’s good, 17’s gotta be real good. I woke up in the middle of the night and I was like borderline, like it was coming up. But I was so tired that I just laid there for about an hour and I was like, ‘Don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up.’ I I should have got up and threw up. And then I woke up in the morning and I was like, ‘shit’. So I started counting the sticks. They’re so good. Obviously I don’t get tired of them. They’re so fucking good.”

“Because Brandon took over nine boxes and there’s six in each box. There’s one box left. So I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight. They’re good, man. And they have them on the plane, too. When the lady comes by with a basket I just grab the basket like, ‘I’ll handle this.’

Let’s illustrate this! Here is Terry Francona surrounded 17 of his favorite popsicles, the Outshine Fruit Grape Bars:
Terry Francona

Pat Venditte is the MLB’s First Amphibious Pitcher. But What About the Other Animals?

Amphibious pitcher makes debut

As you can see above, MLB has welcomed its first amphibious pitcher. But what, you ask, about the other animals? When will MLB allow them into the major leagues?

I’m happy to say many of them are already there.

Turtle: Mike Trout

Mike Trout is a turtle

Crustacean: Tim Lincecum

Tim Lincecum as a crabMarsupial: Todd Coffey

Todd Coffey is a marsupial

Neanderthal: Jayson Werth

Jayson Werth

This hot tip was tipped to us, hotly, by alert reader Wildcard09.

The Real No-Hitter Jinx: Saying “Macbeth”

Chris Heston just threw a no-hitter against the New York Mets. There are a lot of superstitions around no-hitters, but the most famous is: don’t say “no-hitter.” If you tell your friend, or if the TV announcer says “Chris Heston has a no-hitter going in the seventh inning,” the attempt is doomed.

But original research by the hardworking interns here at Banknotes Industries has revealed another, even stronger correlation with a pitcher’s odds of giving up a hit: how many times people in the audience say “Macbeth.”

Below is a chart of regular-season games so far in 2015, including Chris Heston’s no-hitter, along with the number of times “Macbeth” was spoken during each game by fans, broadcasters, players, umpires, and (an especially frequent culprit) cotton candy salespersons.

Macbeth chart

Click to expand.

As you can see from the line of best fit (y = 0.7x + 4), pitchers average 0.7 additional hits allowed for every single utterance of “Macbeth.” So far in 2015, just three pitchers have surrendered any hits at all if the audience members have been kind enough to say “the Scottish play.”

In case you’re wondering, that dot in the upper right corner is April 28, 2015, a night in which the Nationals and Braves combined for 32 hits (and two errors) while the Royal Shakespeare Company, with stars Mark Rylance and Cate Blanchett, performed Macbeth on the upper concourse next to the bratwurst stall.

We expect that, as a result of this information, home teams may begin asking audience members to please use the term “Scottish play” during games. However, MLB may wish to encourage people to exploit this jinx, to add excitement to low-scoring games. Until then, the choice is ours.

Bryce Harper Photoshop Battle!

We all saw the selfie Bryce Harper took early this week, using a fan’s mobile phone.

Bryce Harper selfie

Click to expand to full size and download for art creation purposes! (Or for blowing up and scaring your coworkers purposes!)

But a mystery remains: what explains the look of shock on his face? What does Bryce Harper think is behind him? Or maybe he briefly saw into an alternate universe, in which case, what is really behind him?

Commenters, please use your Photoshop, Microsoft Paint, or ASCII art skills to show us what was really behind Bryce Harper.

I’ll get us started with the most obvious solution.

Jurassic Harp

Jurassic Harp