Carson Cistulli, Closer: A Tale of Two Cistullis


Life at Triple-A Durham has been very interesting. For starters, the Blue Jays traded RA Dickey to the Rays for Desmond Jennings. Which is completely plausible for the 65-64 Rays. The acquisition of Dickey bumped Matt Moore to the bullpen. Dickey has a 9-7 record over 169.2 IP, 105 Ks, an ERA of 3.77, and a WHIP of 1.33. Matt Moore has a 6-8 record over 121.1 IP, 105 Ks, an ERA of 3.77, and a WHIP of 1.44.


Triple C has not exactly had the best start for the Bulls, though. Consider his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde first two games:

Triple C’s first game in Triple-A:
Knights batting. Cistulli pitching.
Davidson hit by pitch.
Davidson reached 2nd on wild pitch.
Coats doubled and deflected off centerfielder Mahtook, Davidson scores.
Eveland in bullpen.
Sanchez grounded out to Hager (6-3).
Rottino grounded to center for a single, Coats scores.
Markel in bullpen.
Parrino flied out to Motter (F7).
Lemon chopped to the pitcher for a single, Rottino advances to 2nd.
May flied out to Mahtook (F8).

Triple C’s second game in Triple-A:
Braves batting. Cistulli pitching.
Tuiasosopo struck out chasing a fastball high and away.
Landoni struck out chasing an outside slider.
Kennelly flied out to Mahtook (F8).

Well, which one is it?! Make up your mind! That’s baseball, I suppose.

We also received a new email from the very catty General Manager:

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Carson Cistulli, Closer: Montgomery Biscuits Clip Show


That’s odd. I don’t recall putting on Bull Durham. And Kevin Costner sure looks peculiar.


Our beloved beast has been promoted to Triple A Durham. You read that correctly. The Biscuit days are behind us as the hottest digital sensation in one of the most controversial digital seasons in recent digital memory is now one digital step away from his digital Major League Baseball debut.


I guess they knew what they were doing after all. As Adam Kolarek crashes and burns as the Biscuits’ closer, Triple C gets the call-up. The people decreed that there shall be no groveling for playing time. We didn’t need to ask for a workload increase. Good things come to those who wait. And groveling was beneath Triple C as he strolled in hot to Durham, North Carolina.

It is worth pointing out that, presumably as a holdover from the Wacky Joe Maddon era, the second baseman stands on the mound as Triple C winds up in Durham as well. That digital treat made the digital leap from digital Double A as well. (It will also get hairy now that Triple C is in Triple A. Please be wary of the letters following “Triple” because I’ve already confused myself a few times.)

Many baseball fans are actually unaware of Bull Durham because of its extremely loose connection to the sport and the abundance of films about baseball. Without spoiling anything, a young flamethrower navigates minor league life with the Durham Bulls with the guidance of a voluptuous temptress. Now, this sounds far too familiar. Is Triple C’s call-up life imitating art? Or perhaps digital art imitating digital life? Who will be his temptress?

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Carson Cistulli, Setup Man: Criminally Insane


Oh, hey, how’s it going? How was your All-Star Break? That good, huh? Glad to hear it.

Mine? Oh, you know, same old thing. Made it to the All-Star Game and didn’t get to pitch. Came into the 8th innning a lot during tied games. Which is funny because, y’know, I’m a closer. Inexplicably missed six games in a row. Navigated around McCarthy, who still stands on the mound during my warm-up pitches.

I thought we were doing pretty well. Locked down the closer’s role before the All-Star Game, lights-out during a simulated game, named player of the game for the first time all season on a 5-3 victory over the Tennessee Smokies. I mean, we did have a rough outing. 0.2 IP, one HR allowed when Triple C was brought in to a 9-9 tied game in the 10th inning. But that was just one game and shouldn’t have an impact on Triple C’s role given his excellent season, right?


Carson Cistulli, Closer is now Carson Cistulli, Setup Man. He’s been usurped by Adam Kolarek, a 27-year-old  with a 5.17 ERA that is inferior to Triple C in every feasible way. Who in the Tampa Bay Rays organization suggested that usurping their wunderkind lights-out All-Star superlative-laden hurler of the sphere with Adam Kolarek?!

The worst part is, it came via email.

In Triple C’s digital mailbox, a digital message from digital manager read as follows:

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Carson Cistulli, Closer: America the Biscuitful


What does the 4th of July mean to you? Is it a symbol of the idyllic life we all once led? Is it a testimony to the beautiful, diverse world that exists within our fifty states? Is it a vexing complication of mangled civil rights repackaged as a drunken barbecue littered with “Back-to-Back World War Champs” trucker hats, nostalgia for “the Griffey days” and bottle rockets?

To the digital Montgomery Biscuits, it is just another meaningless digital day. They did not celebrate digital Independence Day with any digital uniform changes or digital in-game tributes. Whether in protest of the current digital political climate or the reprehensible annual digital Hot Dog Eating contest, the Biscuits stood their ground.

Our beloved Triple C stood his ground as well, to some degree. In a gregarious rejection of pitching strategy, he threw back-to-back-to-back backdoor Cistulliballs to get a strikeout. It is also worth mentioning that Carson Cistulli, Closer has not made a single defensive play all season. After coming in with a 12-2 lead after making the All-Star team, Triple C declined to play any sort of digital defense whatsoever. Routine dribblers back to the pitcher are dismissively avoided. Teammates’ errors are, well, teammates’ errors, and no responsibility to our fair closer.

But, as Waka Flocka Flame warned in his 2011 masterpiece “Karma”, “Yeah, karma coming back around. You know I’m not backing down.”

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Carson Cistulli, Closer: All That Glitters is Gold


Let’s set the scene. It’s the year 2001. America is fresh out of the Y2K scare and amidst the summer of Ichiro. You’ve been invited to a pool party in Torrance, CA. You don’t know the hosts, but the idea of spending a California summer day drinking poolside and eating mediocre barbecue sure sounds nice.

But when you arrive, you immediately know this isn’t your average pool party. Cars are lined up and down the street, and you have to park two streets over. As you approach the house, you see some of the most vibrant colors that you have ever seen. Whoever decorated this party is a master of their craft. While you marinate on the idea of setting up your eventual wedding reception in a similar fashion, you are jarred by the comedy royalty sitting at the table. That’s Ben Stiller. William H. Macy. Janeane Garofalo. Paul Reubens. Hank Azaria. And, oh my god, is that Kel Mitchell?!

Before you get a chance to begin to process the company in front of you and the opportunities that could unfold this fateful afternoon, you are pushed out of the way by a psychotic Dane Cook holding what appears to be a waffle iron.

But your anger quickly subsides when you hear the next song blaring on the speakers. It’s a calming voice. “SOMMMMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME”, it croons, making it impossible for you to ignore. You start tapping your toes. And next thing you know, Steve Harwell and co. are there playing their hearts out.

That is the memory we replay in our hearts with the following news:

It is with unbridled joy that we join in celebration of our beautiful Frankenstein’s most monumental accolade to date: being named to the Southern League All-Star Team.
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Carson Cistulli, Closer: Trapped in Biscuit Purgatory


Ah, yes. The joys of summer. Memorial Day is already behind us, and the MLB season roars ahead past the 1/3rd mark. Can you believe it? Those of us young enough to enjoy the carefree June and July months find ourselves immersed in seemingly endless baseball, fireworks, and Kid Rock’s greatest hits on the radio. And those of us in the real world find ourselves indifferent and oblivious to a new calendar month, worrying about cholesterol levels, and masterminding plausible excuses to postpone imminent yardwork.

As the working world reclines in above-ground pools daydreaming about summer days not unlike ones described in Grammy Award-winning Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s “1st of Tha Month”, Carson Cistulli, Closer lives them. Digitally. That is, if you were to replace Bizzy, Wish, Layzie, Krayzie, and Flesh-n’s various forms of drug dealing with “hurling Cistulliballs” and “isolating yourself from your teammates in the clubhouse after the game.” Which we will. Never no shorts and no losses. It’s the Triple C way.

So cash your checks and get up as we check in on our favorite digital flamethrower via the link below.
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Carson Cistulli, Closer: How it Feels to Suffer


Don’t let the deceptive rebranding fool you. This is a continuation of the thus-far wildly successful Banknotes Industries crowdsourced MLB 16: The Show Road to the Show involving Carson Cistulli, Closer.

Sorry for the delay, but Banknotes Harper hosted a contest where one author could win a trip to an all-expenses-paid writer’s camp to network with other famous sportswriters (they call him Banknotes for a reason). I won, but instead of attending, I was able to parlay the admission into a Carnival cruise to the Bahamas wherein I spent two weeks drinking codeine syrup over ice and eating Triple Cheese Double Bacon Chili Cheese Dogs I smuggled in from Weinerschnitzel.

But as I hunted for extra Jolly Ranchers and Sprite, I encountered many gentlemen and soldiers who informed me that the captain was ill and needed a back rub. As I rolled my eyes and scurried back to my room, I found myself overwhelmed with new ideas and new subjects to write about.

That’s enough of that for now. Our dear friend Carson Cistulli, Closer has been very active.

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Banknotes Industries Road to the Show 2016: The Fragility of a Future Big Leaguer

mlb16After a few games, your author noticed a “Manager Interactions” section. Presumably this will be used to demand trades, playing time, or coconut Le Croix in the clubhouse, but no interactions are currently available. You can bet your tush that we will have an interactions vote once more details arise.

There is an extremely rare scenario that exists when Carson Cistulli, Closer (Triple C) would have to face opposing pitching. As such, MLB 16: The Show mandated the completion of his batting profile, which includes Babe Ruth’s batting stance, no batting gloves, and arduously long home-run trots. May God help us all if he ever hits a home-run. He also now wears a long sleeve Nike turtleneck because of course he’s going to.

Batters are falling for his devastatingly wacky 4-seamer/super slow curveball combo. Triple C spends hours per week working on his gyro velocity to make it more than your “textbook slider.”

Player Card:
Overall: 52 (out of 100) Continue reading

Banknotes Industries Road to the Show 2016: CONTEST

mlb16Oh-ho! What is this?! A surprise update on Carson Cistulli, Closer?

Well, sort of.

After much deliberation, the Banknotes Industries Research Team has come to the resolution of a hotly-contested item.

Seeing as Carson Cistulli, Closer is a work of you, the people, it stands to reason that you may put your own vocal talent to good use. We are looking to immerse everyone in an organic experience, and lines haphazardly read by Microsoft Sam hardly achieve that goal.

Instead, we are happy to announce a contest that allows you, the people, to record the following Cheers and Jeers and submit them. After all, you are the fans, and this experience is wholesomely yours. Continue reading

Banknotes Industries Road to the Show 2016: Handedness Reveal & Clip Show

mlb16What started off as way to connect with the people turned into a runaway train of debauchery and unbridled excitement. It is with great pleasure to announce that all preseason conceptual voting for our digital warrior has concluded, and all that is left to do is prepare the beast for final exhibition.

Upon the setting of the real-life sun, your author will pull the roster file miraculously from the air and begin the construction of Carson Cistulli, Closer as decreed by you, the people.

In today’s ultra-rare Afternoon Edition of the Trials and Tribulations of C. Cistulli, Closer, we must first tend to the conclusion of the World’s Most Uninteresting Vote. The outcome was genuinely shocking and should be the topic of discussion for years to come. Continue reading