Our own “Hat Steve” Action, tepid reporter, has been delivering the goods to us from the floor of the Winter Meetings where he has been hiding among the nutcracker army in the grand floor display at the Convention Center. His missives are heavily encoded and delivered by carrier salmon, so we tend to receive most information long after it is old news, but at the same time, we sent his notice of termination in identical fashion, so at least it’s free labor.
- Chicago SP Chris Sale to miss a start after injuring his trade value. Relying on rumor, we will confirm that the hurler’s fashion objection led to suspension, such a sartorial outburst not seen since the ’60s and the burning of the jock straps. If the reports are anything close to the truth, then the White Sox have a terrible PR department, because we should not be hearing the truth in matters like this.
- Aroldis Chapman traded, laments moving from .500 team to Championship contender. Sure, ‘Arry, New York is a swell city, but Chicago ain’t exactly a cowtown, and with your kinda dough, you can winter anywhere.
- The Reds realized they had an outstanding PTBNL from the Louisville Colonels. They selected Hiram “Gloves” MacTallianaffey (1874-1928) to help shore up the outfield.
- The United States traded three minor cities to acquire Gothenburg from Sweden. Don’t worry; you’ve never heard of them.
Those are all the things that happened.
Sunday’s undercard action saw a bit of a rumble swirl into shape around the antics of Rougned Odor Major and José Bautista, of Texas and Toronto disrespectfully, lending a prophetic tone to the late-14th-Century Indo-Silesian Saxon Creole verse that begins:
Rouge pouncht Jo-bats
He pot him en dee nozz
Sash swings as lik tu graunders mache, but what a baut it waz
More than this it reminds us that yet unextinguished remain the flames of the Texicanadian War of 1830, a proxy conflict between the British Empire and Mexico, fought principally in and around Omaha and which spawned a chain of gas stations that dot the US to this day. While some fret that the TEX-TOR brouhaha is another incidence of the sporadic violence that attends the ancient disquiet betwixt Canada and Mexico, in which only the muscles of America maintain the peace, this is a baseless worry, as Tex-Mex relations have been frosty since the introduction of the jalapeño milkshake. Continue reading
We continue this week’s trend of day-draining, word-raining posts with the following items:
- Florida Marlins second baseman Dee Gordon has received a suspension for violating MLB’s Do Not Get Caught Using PEDs policy, perhaps casting a cloud of suspicion over his batting-title-winning 2015. But can we blame him? After a 2014 in which he threw 387.2 Innings for his last place team, how else could he recover?
- A.J. “Iago’s Balls” Pierzynski gathered his 2,000th career hit and then fell over. He plays for the Atlanta Braves right now, which we note in case you weren’t sure who would save a roster spot for him.
- The factors of angle and rotation attending Jose Bautista’s latest bat-flip created a space-time vortex enabling the slugger to temporarily travel to the past where he discovered that back in those days, a lot of people were actually self-aggrandizing blowhards who never received their comeuppance.
As we complete the first ten days of the 2016 season, know that the fine folks at BNI have scoured the lowest bilge troughs to turn up items of interest that you might not have discovered in more main-stream venues, providing a quick glimpse of affairs both behind-the-scenes and, as our efforts are abetted by our cosmic view, not yet come to pass.
- Several major baseball writing sites have had their offices stormed by Orioles fans, furious at a perceived “lack of respect,” after said sites suggested that Baltimore would not finish the season 162-0.
- In the thick of the playoff race, the laptop holding the division records will be dropped, jumbling the numbers of all teams in the AL East, who will thereafter be required to take turns blindly drawing wins and losses from a bucket (in lieu of a hat, which no one will have on hand) in order to determine the standings.
. . . but that the staff was having relations with the reader’s corpulent and unfashionably promiscuous mother.
1. Recap of the first week of NFL action. In which we would present coverage of the MLB games that were played in the week coinciding with “Week 1″ of NFL play. This would have been the “joke.”
2. The NL MVP and ROY discussion. Wherein we would have entertained like our colleagues of other outlets the quite reasonable debate over these very meaningful items. Ultimately, we determined this to be beneath even this site.
3. The AL MUPP and ROY discussion. Wherein we would offer discourse upon small-town convenience-store proprietor Al Mupp and his dog, Roy, who appear together in a nice photograph on the wall of the store behind the counter. It turned out to be a very short item.
4. Introducing our newest writer. In which we would have announced the hiring of our newest, and apparently canuquois, content producer and provided a profile thereof, including his measurements, turn-ons, and turn-offs.
5. From the police blotter. Detailing the recent arrest by federal agents and arraignment of notorious racketeer Gianetto “Blue Johnny” Pasquale, who had been hiding out in Texas under an assumed name: Brian Reinhart.
6. The Preamble to the United States Constitution. We wrote up a nice introductory bit for the rather famous document, but it turns out somebody else beat us to the job.
7. Frank Gifford surrounded by franks and .gif images of Ford automobiles. In which we would attempt to broaden our demographic appeal to include fans of American football, hotdogs, ancient Germanic tribes, and motorcars.
— Last week, journeyman outfielder Kirk Nieuwenhuis shocked the baseball world by slamming three home runs in the Mets’ 5-3 win against the D-backs. Afterward, the 27-year-old outfielder explained that in Dutch, Nieuwenhuis means “no way in hell.”
— On Friday, former Giants great Barry Bonds posted on Instagram a selfie he took with a sleeping Willie Mays. Later, Mays called it a dream come true.
— On Saturday, the Texas Rangers released Ross Detwiler after the veteran leftie put up a disappointing 7.12 ERA and 0-5 record in 43 innings. Immediately after the release, Detwiler swam from the starboard side and directly into the trawl net of a shrimp boat.
— Major League Baseball announced this week that it will discuss the possibility of a 154-game schedule during the next collective bargaining session. Other topics of discussion will include a return to rampant racism, blatant sexism and smoking in the clubhouse.
— Angels star Mike Trout earned his second consecutive All-Star Game MVP Award after going 1-for-3 with a homer, two runs scored and one RBI in the American League’s 6-3 defeat of the National League on Tuesday. Said Trout afterward, “Suck it, Cabrera.”
— In the fifth inning of the All-Star Game on Tuesday night, Angels star Mike Trout took just 6.8 seconds to go from second to home on a Prince Fielder RBI single. Back home in Peoria, newly deflowered high-school junior Jimmy Dugan said, “Hah, that’s nothin’!”
— As part of the All-Star Game festivities, Major League Baseball named Hank Aaron, Johnny Bench, Sandy Koufax and Willie Mays its “Greatest Living Players.” From beyond the grave, Babe Ruth, Bo Belinsky, Mickey Mantle and Van Lingle Mungo immediately issued a formal dissent, and then went on to bang some ghost groupies.
— In the midst of his midsummer break – a break that one observer predicted “will become an annual thing” – Rangers shortstop Elvis Andrus addressed the preseason predictions that he would have a bounce-back year. Pointing at his midseason OPS of .624, Andrus sighed and remarked, “Me, I never said ‘bounce-back.’ I said ‘bounce-backward.’”
— In response to rampant trade rumors, Phillies reliever Jonathan Papelbon told the Phillies front office this week to “shit or get off the pot.” Upon reading the story, former big league reliever Chris Perez laughed at the irony and proceeded to unload a massive bowel movement while taking an equally massive bong hit.
– On Wednesday, a jury ruled that neither the Kansas City Royals nor mascot Sluggerrr is responsible for an eye injury incurred by a fan struck by a hot dog that Sluggerrr tossed during a game in 2009. A separate jury later ruled that the owner of Roy’s Service Station N’ More is not responsible for a similar injury incurred by a customer who got curious about the hole in a restroom stall.
– Addressing the fact that eight Royals are leading in All-Star voting, Commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters this week that he is “open to change.” Included in that openness, he said, is the opportunity for mascot Sluggerrr to throw out the ceremonial first wiener.
– The Red Sox benched Pablo Sandoval a day after the third baseman “liked” an Instagram photo during the seventh inning of Boston’s Wednesday-night game against the Giants. In the fourth inning of Thursday’s game, Sandoval tweeted his apology.
– On Thursday, a prankster removed the nameplate from the locker of Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels, prompting observers to surmise that Hamels had been traded. In a much more serious effort, thousands of Phillies fans removed the nameplate from the desk of GM Ruben Amaro Jr., but after the nameplate mysteriously reappeared, observers likened it to Jason from the horror franchise Friday the 13th. “I’m likening it to Jason from the horror franchise Friday the 13th,” said one, just prior to being impaled by the nameplate.