A Look Ahead: the All-Star Game of 2146

future-resortIn anticipation of this season’s festivities, we turn our transchronospectrojig toward the year 2146 AD/CE/Pretty Good, and the Major League Baseball All-Star Game that will be.  Ah yes, we shall remember it semi-honestly.  In a tight, little dome, somewhere in the swampy morass that was once medium-sized states, far from the corpse-pile stench of the ocean-chewed coasts, the best-known players not contractually prohibited from participating will take the field to represent AmeriCo and the Nations League in the Summer Classic Presented by the Independent Duchy of Sponsorglomerate.

The All-Star Game will do fairly well in its HoloNeuroBeam Transmission bracket, edging ahead of baseball’s regular sporting competitor, Watch People Being Killed With Violence, but falling quite a distance behind the regular top program, Ancient Footage of Food Being Made By Hand.

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30 Things You Didn’t Know About The 30 MLB Teams: American League

While you guys have been busy forgetting the original entry in this series, and perhaps my very existence, I’ve been hard at work throwing shit against the wall and finding that only this sorry bunch did anything that even remotely resembled the word “stick.” Behold! The conclusion of this inappropriately titled series!

AL West

  1. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim translates to “the the angels angels of Anaheim”. That’s not a thing you didn’t know. You knew that. It’s still funny.
  2. The Seattle Mariners were the subject of an abandoned collaboration between Herman Melville and Fyodor Dostoyevsky, tentatively titled “The Mariner”, which fell apart due to conflicts arising from, among other things, disagreement about what language it should be written in. The ensuing feud eventually led Dostoyevsky to dismissively refer to his former collaborator thusly: “Herman Melville douchebag.”
  3. The Houston Astros bring it all to the field every day and then leave it all out there, on the field, right on it, and on their sleeves too, that’s where they wear it, right out there, on the field and on sleeves on the field.
  4. The Texas Rangers wear uniforms woven from the finest silk, squeezed from the fattest, juiciest, grass-fed, cage-free, non-GMO, garden-of-goddamn-Eden spider babies
  5. The Oakland Athletics are among millions of invisible sufferers, suffering in silence, in silence subjected, subject to a sickly specter, expecting no relief, no belief in deliverance, dealt devilish cards, indelibly scarred, marred, jarred by some disease related to pooping.

AL Central

  1. The Kansas City Royals have better things to do than sit here and listen to this trivia. The Kansas City Royals then hop into a running convertible, and as they drive away, without looking back, flick a lit cigarette into the terminal point of a gasoline trail.
  2. The Cleveland Indians is the team you’ve forgotten about when you try to list all the teams in your head and get stuck after 29.
  3. The Chicago White Sox have found that Walt Whitman, in his a-little-bit-too-famous Leaves of Grass—like I get it, it’s good, but do you ever feel like there is only so much space for things to be known, like if this book wasn’t so ubiquitous there might be more copies of Fight Club on the shelves and we’d be reaching more disenchanted beta-males in need of plausible fantasies for weathering a quarter-life crisis—basically exactly described the way that, er, I seem to have lost my train of thought.
  4. The Detroit Tigers all use PEDs… Performance Enhancing Drawers! These soft undergarments are a pleasure to wear, like being hugged around the pelvis by a friendly raccoon! Is he running the bases or floating on a cloud? Ha ha! For millionaires only!
  5. The Minnesota Twins didn’t watch Arrested Development when it was on TV, but now that it’s online, well now they have time to watch it, don’t they? Thanks Twins, I’m totally glad that instead of more seasons of AD we have Michael Cera’s Career.

AL East

  1. The Boston Red Sox were not supposed to win the World Series when they did. Stan, look at this. We didn’t code this. Someone is subverting the timeline from the inside. But who could get their hands on the procedure codes while also bypassing the encryption scheme, except… oh god…
  2. The Tampa Bay Rays are currently being investigated by the SEC for trying to create a stock panic in baseball manufacturing in order to crash the market and then buy up baseballs for cheap in order to save money. That’s how deep these new Wall Street front office kids are going. Is this what you wanted?
  3. The Baltimore Orioles have released a new brand of wine called ‘if you can’t win, might as well wine, right?’ or something like that, whatever, I think it was worded better.
  4. The New York Yankees read a book about phenomenology and now would rather just sit down and think forever but alas, that don’t pay the bills, gotta go out and hit some balls mang, that’s life.
  5. The Toronto Blue Jays’ remains will be discovered by a future civilization, who will assume that they were a primitive tribe, in which the leader held a large wooden club to enforce order, who wore helmets and gloves because they were scared that the stars would fall out of the sky onto their heads, and who ran in circles around a square as a ritual to please the milk god which, ha ha, they will think, how funny, it’s crazy that there was a time people didn’t realize that Dairy Gary, the God of all that is and will be, is placated only by chugging a week-old gallon of unpasteurized whole milk until your eggy breakfast adorns the floor of your unvarnished elmwood deck.

30 Things You Didn’t Know About The 30 MLB Teams: National League

NL West

  1. The Los Angeles Dodgers have a mascot, but he has been in solitary confinement in a maximum security ward since 1970.
  2. The Arizona Diamondbacks were Peter Jackson’s first choice for the role of Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings series.
  3. The Colorado Rockies are not literal mountains. No, they’re a baseball team. No, they- no, wait, listen. No, really. Listen, I’m telling you, mountains can’t play baseball. Yes, I’m serious. Would you give Mom the phone?
  4. The San Francisco Giants protest every game they play. It was once a symbol of something, a great and noble gesture, presumably intended as an act of defiance of against oppressors everywhere, but it has become nothing more than rote repetition, a tradition that has lost all meaning but survives due only to inertia. So, in that sense, it is still a symbol of something.
  5. The San Diego Padres did that one thing that one time. Or I might be thinking of someone else.

NL Central

  1. The St. Louis Cardinals are nearly at the end of a long journey. There is one final piece that must fall into place, one item still to acquire, but they know where it is, they are so close they can taste it. Soon, the world will be ready.
  2. The Chicago Cubs did not invent the hot dog, but they first had the idea to use asbestos as a preservative.
  3. The Pittsburgh Pirates got a perfect score on the SAT and they still suck lmao.
  4. The Cincinnati Reds were once known as the “Red Legs” for how deep flows the blood of the enemy on the Great American Battlefield.
  5. The Milwaukee Brewers are actually owned by a Chinese mafia family that is also a circus troupe, so, you know, be careful.

NL East

  1. The Miami Marlins of 2145 become the last baseball team to exist when their only remaining opponent, the All-Of-Kansas-And-Missouri Magical Promises, calls it quits, tired of the Marlins’ obnoxious streak of 87 straight Solar Series titles.
  2. The Atlanta Braves don’t pay for saves, they’re making waves, those wily Braves.
  3. The Washington Nationals is the cover identity of the Montreal Expos, who entered a witness protection program after exposing and testifying against an illegal Montreal foie gras harvesting ring.
  4. The New York Mets of 2024, after being bought by Bruce Springsteen, become the first MLB team to be owned by a rock star, and the second US professional sports team, after only the LA Galaxy, who were bought and subsequently eaten by Gene Simmons.
  5. The Philadelphia Phillies fill a well full of ill ease. Their last GM is a 1B coach now, lol. Sucks.

Stay tuned for hot American League facts!

Mike Trout, Stormchaser

Following last month’s revelation that Mike Trout is a weather geek who is in talks with Weather Channel to do off-season reporting, we imagine a future where Mike Trout devotes his time to both of his passions.

stormchaser

The wall of blue-black clouds reared up all along the horizon, from one end into the other, and the two men felt as if they were driving toward a canyon wall. The sky crackled with flashes of lightning. Inside the sleek black SUV, Jim Cantore turned to the driver’s seat.

“You know,” Jim whispered, “it’s not too late to turn back. We don’t have to do this.”

“No.” Mike Trout removed the hand-carved wooden pipe from his mouth, and slide his Ray-Bans up his forehead. “I report to spring training in two days, and we’re gonna make those days count.” He turned to Jim with a skeptical eye. “You chicken?”

“No, Mike, no, I’m all in.”

“You sure? Chicken, buk-buk-BAKAW!”

Jim Cantore popped the collar of his storm jacket, pulled an apple out of a bag between his feet, and took an enormous bite.

“Smephfont,” he said.

“You shouldn’t talk when you’re eating,” Mike Trout replied.

“Step on it. Hit the gas.”

And the SUV surged forward, rooftop radar equipment whirling like spindly dancers, the wheels bouncing roughly over the dusty ruts of Kansas farmland.  Continue reading

Arizona Diamondbacks Unveil Fresh New WMD

PHOENIX — Representatives from the United Nations, NATO, and Iran are expressing outrage today as the American baseball team, the Arizona Diamondbacks, revealed their “Churro Dog.” Touting it as the greatest advance in weaponized ballpark food, a spokesperson with the Diamondbacks said the Churro Dog will “help equalize Arizona’s relations with the world.”

The United Nations released a statement following the unveiling of the Churro Dog that condemned both the development and the deployment of the new food: “We urge Diamondbacks leadership to reconsider deploying the Churro Dog weapon during the coming weeks. World stability relies on the responsible management of advanced weaponry, and an escalation of these terms do little to advance the cause of world peace. What’s next, a burger-sized deep-fried oreo? A chocolate cake made out of a dozen smaller chocolate cakes?”

The White House is expected to issue a statement later today.

Desperate Father Buys Electronic Maid; Fails to Save Marriage, Pull Family Back Together

“I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger — and then it hit me.”

These are the cracked words feebly ushed from the e-mouth of an Amazon Echo device. This offseason, if you’re looking to revitalize your marriage or give your children that long-missing sense of wonder and worth, Amazon encourages you to purchase the Echo device depicted in this below tableau of family fate and failure:

Highlights:

  1. [0:24] Father names device “Alexa,” presumably a wink-wink nickname to the girl from prom, from that one magical night, where he made the mistake of a lifetime and said nothing.
  2. [0:40] Both parents simultaneously think: “What in the world is a Rock Music?” And then they immediately join their hip-with-it-son in grooving to some sumptuous generic rock beats.
  3. [0:50] Mother has already found a way to turn the family-saving device into yet another source of social frustration. “Yeah, you don’t actually have to yell at it,” he says oozingly from his inner tortured self.
  4. [1:10] Father storms into room having finished his daily sobbing in the backyard. He struts to the nearest support pillar, leans too-casually, and asks a random geography question. He meant to ask a gardening question, like “What am I doing wrong with the roses?” because this kind of question would be pertinent to his daily outside time, this kind of question would throw his children off the scent, this kind of question would be the air freshener spritz in the smoking teen’s stationwagon.
  5. [2:00] Despite placing the Device in the bedroom, Mother continues to rebuff the romantic advances of Father. Her elbow jabs mask her internal mantra: “Why do you work so late on Wednesdays? Why do you work so late on Wednesdays?”
  6. [2:25] Child repeats joke Mother surely heard. She was right there. Why couldn’t she hear it? The Mantra thunders like a change ringing.
  7. [3:18] The Siblings try their hardest to not play the parts of the star-crossed, the George Michael and Maeby — but even an echo can resound with sexual chemistry.
  8. [3:28] Mother thinks for a fleeting, fanciful moment, that Alexa is a preparing for a Her love story. But disappointment is boogying behind her left shoulder.
"Are you playing that music for me, Alexa?"

“Are you playing that music for me, Alexa?”