The Laziest possible joke involving Baseball

avengers-age-of-ultron-cast-play-family-feud-on-jimmy-kimmel-liveThis morning I woke up wanting to make a joke about baseball. Nothing at all came to mind but I turned the television on for a bit of background sound and found to my extreme surprise, Family Feud is still against all odds on the air and being filmed.

That of course led to what I believe is the laziest possible baseball related joke. It hits all the necessary points.

First notice the purposefully awful Photoshop work, not that I’m capable of better but rest assured I’m under no illusion that it’s good.

Second the miss-use of Addition instead of edition is a must.

Why is Tom Gordon’s head on a woman’s body? Am I making some kind of statement about my opinion of Tom Gordon’s lackluster masculinity? Nope it’s just the first wide shot I found when googling Family Feud.

Finally note the fact that Bartolo Colon is present, despite bearing no relation whatsoever to Tyson and Joe Ross (that we know of).

All these disparate ingredients combine into a snickker worthy, yet irredeemably lazy attempt at baseball satire. Continue reading

These Old Photos: They’re Fun Because I Said So

You didn’t ask for it, but you’re gonna get it anyway.

You got a problem with that?

Listen, pal. This is America, where you get stuff whether you want it or not.

I myself? I myself turn on the computer each day and get stabbed in the eye by a Bieber or a Kardashian or a Bieberdashian. You think I asked for that? You think I go to sleep each night with dreams of waking up to get stabbed in the eye by a Bieber or a Kardashian or a Beiberdashian? You think I care about their InstaWhatevs and their TwitterWhozits and their FaceWhatnots? I do not.

So you’re going to get this and you’re going to like it, whether you like it or not.

Here’s a couple freebies, per my community-service commitment.

A Paul Hines

Washington’s Paul Hines is:
A) an extremely early supporter of George W. Bush.
B) a member of the W Hotel’s Preferred Guest Loyalty Program.
C) perfecting his smoldering-glance-from-across-the-crowded-nightclub stance. 
D) unaware, unlike the vast majority of his peers, that baseball gloves exist. 

A Ty Cobb

Tigers star Ty Cobb is:
A) about to beat the dust from an area rug.
B) taking batting lessons from an eight-year-old Swede.
C) playing an early form of Guitar Hero.
D) somewhat afraid of his shadow.

Head on over to The Hardball Times for more. Pro tip: It’s a Bieber-free zone.

And don’t forget: If you read the piece, you win a free …

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These Photos … They Are Fun

It’s that time again, dear readers – oh, and not just dear readers but also those who subscribe to Banknotes Industries “just to look at the pictures.” You know who you are.

Over at The Hardball Times today, a serious and probably minty-breathed author named “John Paschal” – if that is his real name – has taken the arduous path to riches by cut-and-pasting a bunch of photos and then paying (mostly with foot rubs, but also with ankle massage) a team of neurotic but semi-gifted comedy writers to supply a variety of knee-slapping (Mr. Paschal can fix that knee pain for you with his patented patella palpation) punchlines. What follows here, in the tradition of things that follow here, is what follows here: a sampling, merely fractional in its relationship to the original, of the just-cited original.

And remember: If you read the piece, you win a free suit!

A A's

These 1868 players are:

A) serial adulterers.

B) top-notch students.

C) all named Alfred.

D) a team without utility players.

A Cubs

These Chicago Cubs are:

A) posing for Sports Illustrated’s first and least popular swimsuit issue.

B) fans of the erotic art of Edouard-Henri Avril.

C) testing a new defensive alignment, with pleasant results.

D) pleased with this new outdoor carpet.
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Why is This Fish so Creepy?

The fish is creepy.

The fish is creepy.

Apparently this fish is throwing out the first pitch for the Rays and Red Sox game on Wednesday.

Why is this fish so creepy?

Why is he alone in a ballpark, gloving a ball?

Why does he have human legs and oversized gym shorts?

Why does he wear the top hat of a 2007 hipster?

Why do I see this when I look at him?:

"Environemnt, kids. Enviroment."

“Environemnt, kids. Enviroment.”

(Obscene!) Fun With Old Photos

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OK, so, late last night I put my ballcap on backward and sat at the computer and went clackety-clackety-clack with my fingers and then paused for a moment – big drama – and finally said, “We’re in!” And thus did I hack into The Hardball Times mainframe or whatever and therein deposit this particular post for public approval and/or disapproval, knowing that p-specific alliteration was poised to follow, or, better expressed, to be a product of the aforementioned procedural trespass.

Capisce?

The thing with THT, though, is that it positions itself as something of an online newspaper, family-friendly and all that, and thus do I refuse, with no great measure of melancholy, to include in those posts any sort of prurient or scandalous content.

Indeed, in the pages of THT, I will never speak of marijuana, or masturbation, or mullets – which is unfortunate, because I have a wonderful story about an early ’90s ballplayer who “corked his bat” whilst high on a killer strain of White Himalayan Haze. Turns out, dude was so high that he stopped midway through the adventure and took a nap. Bummer.

In any event, Banknotes Industries can serve as a sort of suppository – sorry, repository – not only for my fits of alliteration but also for all my licentious literary inclinations. And so, without further ado, I hereby present a quartet of items I omitted from today’s THT post. For all the other items, please pay – well, don’t pay; it’s pretty much free – a visit to that fine site. As always, for every post you read, you win a free suit!
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