New Hire, No Orientation

If you were like me you would have the inside scoop as to the conclusion of B.W. Reinhart’s unfinishable opus noir that originally appeared on these pages, but you are not and as such are left to wonder to what startling and assuredly orgasmic cut of Atropos the narrative threads were leading.  Among your pursuing dreams is the fantasy that base-baller and noble savage Jayson Werth, who appeared in a latter chapter, would eventually join the staff at Banknotes Industries to further our shared greatness.

Awake and arise, gentle fool, for it is so!

jaydubonthemic

Strike here with thy cursor (and watch at least the first 30 seconds), an thou hast not already seen — or, yea, e’en if thou hast — the good fellow on his first assignment, wherein shortly after gracefully killing several Philadelphia Phillies with his hands he transitions into the journalistic engagement of associating a player with a nickname in the old-fashioned way.  We are not opposed to said practice when it is so deftly done.

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Third-Party Confession

What, you may be asking, if not vocally or consciously then at least in those minute electromagnetic pulses that trouble your forehead, gives?  Doubtless while you are appreciative of their efforts you wonder why posts here have recently come in the main from the figurative pens of Woolly Bulay and Jenkmeister E.  It’s time you knew the truth, Banknotariate.  Although you may recognize our writers by the names in the right-hand column, these identifiers are but noms de plume, and in reality most of the staff here at BNI, the website, are actually professionals in the Major Leagues, and as a consequence are deeply, sexually embroiled in the action of the current season, and thus little able to attend to other functions.

TexanWriters“Brian Reinhart,” “John Paschal,” and “Sam Levin,” for examples, are nicely unassuming handles under which to dash off a bit of prose while relaxing at the spa, but when you are patrolling the outfield beside Mike Trout, or protecting the AL Central’s last undefeated pitching record, or serving as backstop for the powerhouse Cubs, there are precious few spare minutes to dedicate to the literary arts, despite the generous bonus income it provides.  “Christian La Fontaine” was kind enough to drop off a piece recently, but is this week desperately leading the effort to avoid elimination at the hands of the Cleveland Cavaliers.  “Bradley Woodrum” is Theo Epstein, so you know he’s sunk in the reward harems sent by two organizations right now.

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Major Friggin’ Announcement, You Guys

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Atop this lonely hill I stand, borne back against the winds of apathy and the isolate howls of mockery, a man in control only of what he announces but never of how it is heard … no, never of how it is heard — or even if it is heard. Even if it is heard.

But yeah, this is a major friggin’ announcement, you guys: Beginning next Monday at 8 a.m. East Coast Bias Time, Banknotes Industries will commence a Very Special Week of exposition.

You have been notified.

Now Mike Trout’s Trash Can and Urn

troutcanLike the prior post in form, but for those who have some difficulty with organizing initial consonants (although not to the extent that a Bike Mount appears in the can), but also unlike the prior post in content, in that it is completely unrelated, this one is to inform the readership that I am presently departing for the Arctic and/or Antarctic to rescue a portion of the staff, along with uncompensated employees, time permitting, from alligators and/or narcotic fugues and/or the self-absorption of Red Sox fans that blinds them to the fact everyone else sees them as little different from Yankee fans — the same sense of entitlement, only less pompous and more whiny — and that while I am not sporting plus-fours my blade is keen and my violence immortal, so a good time shall be had by all and even the dead, which in the end is to say that proper posting shall resume shortly.

Articles We Would Have Written Last Week . . .

. . . but that the staff was having relations with the reader’s corpulent and unfashionably promiscuous mother.

1. Recap of the first week of NFL action.  In which we would present coverage of the MLB games that were played in the week coinciding with “Week 1″ of NFL play.  This would have been the “joke.”

2. The NL MVP and ROY discussion.  Wherein we would have entertained like our colleagues of other outlets the quite reasonable debate over these very meaningful items.  Ultimately, we determined this to be beneath even this site.

3. The AL MUPP and ROY discussion.  Wherein we would offer discourse upon small-town convenience-store proprietor Al Mupp and his dog, Roy, who appear together in a nice photograph on the wall of the store behind the counter.  It turned out to be a very short item.

4. Introducing our newest writer.  In which we would have announced the hiring of our newest, and apparently canuquois, content producer and provided a profile thereof, including his measurements, turn-ons, and turn-offs.

5. From the police blotter.  Detailing the recent arrest by federal agents and arraignment of notorious racketeer Gianetto “Blue Johnny” Pasquale, who had been hiding out in Texas under an assumed name: Brian Reinhart.

6. The Preamble to the United States Constitution.  We wrote up a nice introductory bit for the rather famous document, but it turns out somebody else beat us to the job.

7. Frank Gifford surrounded by franks and .gif images of Ford automobiles.  In which we would attempt to broaden our demographic appeal to include fans of American football, hotdogs, ancient Germanic tribes, and motorcars.

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Introducing the Banknotes Industries Hot Hotline

Got a hot baseball news story that needs the crack analysis and hard-hitting insight of Banknotes Industries? Did Adam Dunn stick his tongue to a frozen flagpole? Did Jose Altuve get stuck in a washing machine? Does Bartolo Colon continue to exist?

Henceforth and henceforthily, you can send your tips to the Banknotes Industries Investigative Investigation Team Hot Hotline (BNIIITHH) (correct pronunciation: BNIIITHH). Banknotes Harper would like to thank alert reader Wildcard09 for expediting this urgent action.

Email your tips to:

banknotesharper [at] gmail [dot] com

Yes, this is Banknotes Harper’s personal email address. No, you can’t talk to him directly. He delegates writing assignments to we, the peons writers, between taking urgent phone calls about his two lines of work, business and pounding.

Once again, that’s:

banknotesharper [at] gmail [dot] com

Banknotes Industries is Updating! UPDATE: Nope, It’s Still “Slow and Shitty”

It took only 20 minutes to crush David Temple's soul.

It took only seven minutes to crush David Temple’s soul.

The admins here at Banknotes Industries have been working around the clock, specifically this distance:

Look at those site engineers go!

Look at those site engineers go!

All in a hope of getting the freshest, hottest, and finest jaded baseball commentary to masses! Stay tuned, friends, as it literally can only get faster and better here at Banknotes Industries.