1. Now that the Blue Jays have traded for Troy Tulowitzki, they expect him to:
A) stabilize the Canadian dollar.
B) get The Kids in the Hall back on the air.
C) go over Niagara Falls in a souvenir Pat Borders Barrel.
D) land on the disabled list.
2. Following a game in which he allowed five runs in the first, Yankees starter Chris Capuano was designated for assignment. That assignment?
A) compare and contrast America’s immigration policies in the 19th and 20th centuries.
B) assassinate the leader of the Smallpox Liberation Front.
C) lead Blue Team against Green Team in building an island treehouse with coconuts.
D) learn how to pitch better.
3. Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia recently received a 162-game suspension for his second failed ____ test.
4. In his return to Baltimore, former Oriole and current Brave Nick Markakis received a standing:
D) O, obviously.
5. Jonathan Papelbon says he wants to remain a closer in hopes of breaking Mariano Rivera’s all-time saves record. Papelbon says he also wants to break:
C) into show business.
D) a leg, provided he breaks into show business.
E) Tony Dorsett’s record 99-yard touchdown run.
F) Ruben Amaro Jr.’s neck, with a jagged, fart-infused baguette.
6. After his seventh-inning home run broke the windshield of a car parked behind Fenway Park’s Green Monster, White Sox catcher Geovany Soto:
A) left a note under the wiper that read, “You really shouldn’t have parked here.”
B) left a flyer under the wiper that read, “Soto’s Windshield Repair Summer Blowout!”
C) was collared by stereotypical 1950s Boston beat cop Officer O’Halloran.
D) ran all the way home.