Pencils Ready? Here is Today’s Pop Quiz

A Quiz

1. Now that the Blue Jays have traded for Troy Tulowitzki, they expect him to:

A) stabilize the Canadian dollar.
B) get The Kids in the Hall back on the air.
C) go over Niagara Falls in a souvenir Pat Borders Barrel.
D) land on the disabled list.

2. Following a game in which he allowed five runs in the first, Yankees starter Chris Capuano was designated for assignment. That assignment?

A) compare and contrast America’s immigration policies in the 19th and 20th centuries.
B) assassinate the leader of the Smallpox Liberation Front.
C) lead Blue Team against Green Team in building an island treehouse with coconuts.
D) learn how to pitch better.

3. Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia recently received a 162-game suspension for his second failed ____ test.

A) algebra.
B) chlamydia.
C) PED
D) dumb-ass.

4. In his return to Baltimore, former Oriole and current Brave Nick Markakis received a standing:

A) A.
B) Jay.
C) BJ.
D) O, obviously.

5. Jonathan Papelbon says he wants to remain a closer in hopes of breaking Mariano Rivera’s all-time saves record. Papelbon says he also wants to break:

A) wind.
B) bread.
C) into show business.
D) a leg, provided he breaks into show business.
E) Tony Dorsett’s record 99-yard touchdown run.
F) Ruben Amaro Jr.’s neck, with a jagged, fart-infused baguette.

6. After his seventh-inning home run broke the windshield of a car parked behind Fenway Park’s Green Monster, White Sox catcher Geovany Soto:

A) left a note under the wiper that read, “You really shouldn’t have parked here.”
B) left a flyer under the wiper that read, “Soto’s Windshield Repair Summer Blowout!”
C) was collared by stereotypical 1950s Boston beat cop Officer O’Halloran.
D) ran all the way home.
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Pencils Ready? Here is Today’s Pop Quiz

A Quiz

1. The Cubs’ Jon Lester lost a no-hitter in the eighth inning of a game against the Orioles when he:

A) forgot to plug the directions into his GPS.

B) left it on a park bench after feeding the pigeons.

C) failed to implant a microchip equipped with a tracking device.

D) got drunk at this one bar and then went to this other bar.

2. When Albert Pujols slugged career home run No. 549 on Monday night, he moved past _________ _________ into 15th place on the all-time list.

A) Duane Kuiper.

B) Sadaharu Oh.

C) Moonlight Graham.

D) Jimmy Dugan.

3. The Cardinals are to the Competitive Balance Lottery as:

A) Derek Jeter is to Match.com

B) Mike Trout is to HGH, anabolic steroids and stolen signs.

C) the Yankees are to $62 million found beneath the couch cushions.

D) most if not all of the above.

4. Where, exactly, is St. Petersburg, home of the Tampa Bay Rays?

A) In the vicinity of Tampa Bay.

B) Along the Neva River on the Baltic Sea.

C) In the back yard of Peter Dinklage.

D) In the Garden of Gethsemane, near the okra.

5. How high, exactly, is Denver, home of the Colorado Rockies?

A) Pretty freakin’ high.

B) 5,130 feet to 5,690 feet.

C) Like that-was-my-skull-I’m-so-wasted high.

D) About as high as Amsterdam, give or take.
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