An answer-seeking reader might ask, “Hey, Unquestionable Answerman, do you have answers to my baseball-related questions?”
To which the Unquestionable Answerman might answer, “No. Why do you ask?”
Q: I see the Angels had their first rainout in 20 years. That’s hard to fathom. Can you put it into context, L.A.-style?
A: Sure. Back then, O.J. Simpson was completely innocent.
Q: So, Derek Jeter got “slimed” on the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Sports Awards show. Tell me: Who was the last baseball player to get covered in slime?
A: Ray Fosse, at the end of 1970 All-Star Game.
Q: Chicago’s Jon Lester had a shot at a no-hitter last week when, in the seventh inning of a game against the Braves, the scorer changed Nick Markasis’ first-inning single to an error, meaning Atlanta still hadn’t gotten a hit. Have you ever seen a similarly pivotal scoring change in such a dramatic situation?
A: Yes. My senior prom – when I accidentally bumped into Courtney Colletti’s right boob and told my friends I’d gotten to second base, then immediately changed the scoring after she kicked me in the beans and poured punch all over my cummerbund.
Q: The Angels signed Shane Victorino. Are they crazy?
A: Clinically, no. They understand the difference between right and left. I’ve watched Law & Order enough to know that that’s the determining factor in this whole are-they-crazy? question. I mean, McCoy wasn’t much to look at, at least in comparison to all those blistering-hot A.D.A.s, but he could pretty much ferret out anyone who pretended Larry Walker was a righty. Right? Beyond that, though, yeah, the Angels are nuts.
Q: The Astros and Rangers engaged in a bench-clearing incident recently. Has there ever been a similar incident that didn’t cause the benches to clear?
A: Yes. Back in August of 1868, the Cleveland Codswallops and the Boston Balderdashes engaged in a dramatic on-field donnybrook, but when the suddenly outmanned Codswallops looked back to their bench, they noticed that third baseman Cornelius T. Cornblower had died of chilblain, dropsy and the grippe.
Q: The benches also cleared after Padres pitcher Dale Thayer threw his gum – that’s right: gum – at the Giants’ Hector Sanchez. What kind of gum was it?
A: Bush League Chew.