Questions and Answers With the Unquestionable Answerman

A Q & A

An answer-seeking reader might ask, “Hey, Unquestionable Answerman, do you have answers to my baseball-related questions?”

To which the Unquestionable Answerman might answer, “No. Why do you ask?”

Q: I see the Angels had their first rainout in 20 years. That’s hard to fathom. Can you put it into context, L.A.-style?

A: Sure. Back then, O.J. Simpson was completely innocent.

Q: So, Derek Jeter got “slimed” on the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Sports Awards show. Tell me: Who was the last baseball player to get covered in slime?

A: Ray Fosse, at the end of 1970 All-Star Game.

Q: Chicago’s Jon Lester had a shot at a no-hitter last week when, in the seventh inning of a game against the Braves, the scorer changed Nick Markasis’ first-inning single to an error, meaning Atlanta still hadn’t gotten a hit. Have you ever seen a similarly pivotal scoring change in such a dramatic situation?

A: Yes. My senior prom – when I accidentally bumped into Courtney Colletti’s right boob and told my friends I’d gotten to second base, then immediately changed the scoring after she kicked me in the beans and poured punch all over my cummerbund.

Q: The Angels signed Shane Victorino. Are they crazy?

A: Clinically, no. They understand the difference between right and left. I’ve watched Law & Order enough to know that that’s the determining factor in this whole are-they-crazy? question. I mean, McCoy wasn’t much to look at, at least in comparison to all those blistering-hot A.D.A.s, but he could pretty much ferret out anyone who pretended Larry Walker was a righty. Right? Beyond that, though, yeah, the Angels are nuts.

Q: The Astros and Rangers engaged in a bench-clearing incident recently. Has there ever been a similar incident that didn’t cause the benches to clear?

A: Yes. Back in August of 1868, the Cleveland Codswallops and the Boston Balderdashes engaged in a dramatic on-field donnybrook, but when the suddenly outmanned Codswallops looked back to their bench, they noticed that third baseman Cornelius T. Cornblower had died of chilblain, dropsy and the grippe.

Q: The benches also cleared after Padres pitcher Dale Thayer threw his gum – that’s right: gum – at the Giants’ Hector Sanchez. What kind of gum was it?

A: Bush League Chew.
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Questions and Answers With the Unquestionable Answerman


An answer-seeking reader might ask, “Hey, Unquestionable Answerman, do you have answers to my baseball-related questions?”

To which the Unquestionable Answerman might reply, “No. Why do you ask?”

Q: Former Rangers manager Bobby Valentine says he was told to “look the other way” when he suspected Ruben Sierra of PED use in the late 1980s. Tell me, did this advice save Bobby V from getting fired?

A: No, but it did save him from getting hit by oncoming traffic.

Q: Last year, Jeff Bagwell revealed that defensive whiz Ozzie Smith once gave him fielding tips during a pitching change. Aside from that, what’s the most helpful conversation to have taken place during a change of pitchers?

A: Probably the one between Carolyn Peterson and Susanne Kekich.

Q: After learning of his Hall of Fame election last year, Frank Thomas suggested that his offensive production might have motivated other players to use PEDS. Tell me: Are there other instances when a player’s production inspired peers to use a substance that maybe they shouldn’t have used?

A: Yes, but my PhD in gender studies compels me to suggest that the conventional slumpbuster should not be called a “substance.”

Q: Hey, Answerman, remember when the Florida Highway Patrol released the dash cam footage – all 54 minutes of it — of Yasiel Puig’s arrest for driving 110 mph? Answer me this: Has baseball ever seen anything so tedious?

A: What immediately springs to mind is the batter’s box routine of Mike Hargrove, a.k.a. the Human Rain Delay. What also springs to mind is The Bad News Bears Go To Japan.

Q: Speaking of the Bears, does Kelly Leak still have a shot at the bigs?

A: No. Kelly Leak is a fictional character, much like Sammy Sosa, circa 1998.
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