by Danny Resner
Vida Blue – This child will win both the MVP and Cy Young awards in the same year, a feat accomplished only seven other times, by men with names like Clemens, Gibson, and Verlander. However, he will never again equal 1971’s success, and his cocaine-fueled star will burn out slowly over the next fifteen years.
Blue Moon Odom – Named for its moonlike face, this child will share little of that celestial body’s serenity. It will brawl frequently with the others, mostly over who gets to start in the playoffs from 1972-1974. Unfortunately, little Blue Moon will end up on the losing end of most of those sibling-rival tiffs.
Rollie Fingers – This child will revolutionize the art of relief pitching and grow miles of stupendous mustache.
Catfish Hunter – Despite pitching a perfect game, winning a Cy Young award, and being inducted to the Hall of Fame, this child will never overcome the deliciousness of its namesake, especially when its namesake is blackened or stirred into a spicy gumbo.
Mudcat Grant – Use this one if Catfish is already taken. If someone did Mudcat, too, go for the synonyms Chucklehead or Polliwog. Note: the further you move down this list, the earlier the child will realize its whole life is built on a bad joke.
Jim Panther – After five middling years in the minors, little Jim will finally get the call-up. You will be so proud. His first four major league games, the only action he will see in 1971, will be disastrous. His next two years in Texas and Atlanta won’t go much better. After that, he will leave baseball to fulfill the true promise of his name, don a taxidermied jaguar head, and bound off into the boundless night.